Life After Miscarriage

This will sound insane to some but I had very different reactions to our first loss compared to our loss of the twins in August. In June 2017 we had our first loss. We weren’t very far along and we’d been trying about 3 years at the time. From the day we got the positive test until I miscarried was less than a week. It hardly had time to sink in. We hadn’t done blood work yet. I had been at a loss and wanting to give up and I begged God to give me a sign this could happen for us. I was broken. I couldn’t take not knowing if we could or would be parents. When we got that positive test it was God. I have no doubt in my body that was Him showing us it was possible. And when we lost that pregnancy I knew it was ok. It just wasn’t time. But God had shown me what I needed at the time. It could happen. Of course I was devastated; don’t get me wrong, but I also had this overwhelming emotion of peace. One day, in His time, it would happen. After this loss not too much changed. I tried to work on myself more. Put my faith in the Lord and focus on less stress. Tried to start leaving work on time and not bringing work home, this one I’m still working on. A few months later I would break my ankle in 3 places resulting in a month in bed following a surgery with screws, plates and rods so the relaxing part came a little easier. I couldn’t move. Lol 

Our second pregnancy was a very different story. I wasn’t broken and begging for hope or a sign. I was praying every day and doing my best (most days failing) to fully trust Him and this process and know our day was coming. I honestly believed we weren’t pregnant so when the doctor called to tell us we were it was a complete shock. I hard ugly cry in the video. It was really hard to believe it was happening those first few weeks, until the morning sickness hit. Then it was very real. When we lost the first twin it was just a roller coaster of emotions and mess. Very Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde. Ok and calm one minute, crying and angry the next. When we lost the second twin a few weeks later it was really shock for the first 24 hours or so. Then the grief hit and it felt like I wouldn’t get through it. I didn’t feel strong enough. Looking back, I’m not sure how I made it through without crying all day every day at work. Even though our last loss was nearly 7 months ago now I still have days I can’t breathe when I think about the twins. I have weeks I am just stuck in that grief and unhappy with everyone and everything. I call it a funk. I just get into a funk sometimes. Following our D&C a lot changed about me. I started having nightmares nearly every night. They have tapered off some now but they still happen. I don’t like being in the dark anymore. It drives my husband crazy but I have to have a nightlight (a very bright nightlight - that’s the part that drives him insane) until I fall asleep. I don’t like to be awake in the dark, it makes me panic. Anything to do with miscarriages that aren’t real (TV, Movies, Books, etc) I have a really hard time handling. I tend to get angry at the characters like they don’t know what it’s like and it’s all fake. It just upsets me. The movie Tag has a character who fakes a pregnancy and miscarriage. I have never hated a fictional character more. I’m also more afraid of being pregnant again. We are saving up for IVF and more than anything I want this to work but I am terrified. I have real anxiety at the idea of being pregnant again. It’s probably the scariest thing I can imagine right now. I know we will be pregnant again. I know God’s plan is unfolding every day and one day our guest room will be a nursery but I am terrified of that next positive test. I hope every day that the excitement and joy will come back and I know when we are pregnant again we will be over the moon excited but right now thinking of the day is scary. What if we lose another pregnancy? How will I survive it? Am I strong enough? 

If you’d like to help us get to our 3rd pregnancy, we have a Go Fund Me set up here for our first round of IVF. We also gladly accept free donations in the form of prayers. Thank you so much to everyone who has donated already. We’ve also had some people reach out and ask if it’s ok to ask us questions. Yes! Absolutely! We are sharing our story and how our lives have changed through the lens of infertility to reach other couples in similar situations. We don’t claim to be experts by any means and how we’ve handled this journey and our emotions may differ greatly from yours but we always welcome the opportunity to share our faith and how we’ve navigated these very uncertain waters. Waters we have by no means mastered and are still learning from daily. If you just need someone to talk to who has been in a similar situation, please reach out to me. Talking with people who understand will help so much!

Go Fund Me: The Stephens IVF Journey 

Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.
Psalm 55:22 NLT

~Ashley~

 

The Cost Of Infertility

The Emotional Cost of Infertility:
Infertility takes a lot out of you. Costs you may not expect. Since starting our infertility journey I have struggled with depression. I didn't realize how hard this journey would be emotionally. Losing 3 babies has only made this even harder. There are days I don't want to go to work, I don't want to leave bed. There are days I'm in a terrible mood (moods that sometimes last weeks) and I snap at people who love me for no real reason. I don't enjoy wearing make-up anymore and I'm happiest in sweats with my hair in a ponytail. But I have a job which requires some efforts on my part to not look like a slob. This is hard for me though. I know it seems like a simple thing to do, get up, get dressed, go to work, but by the time I get to work (despite my very minimal efforts) I'm wiped out and ready to be home again. Honestly, if current me could go back 4+ years and talk to the hopeful me just starting this journey I'd tell them to start seeing a therapist and take your time with the journey because it will wipe you out. While I have struggled with my emotions it has also strained my relationships with my husband and God. It's not easy for Clayton to see me this way. I feel broken and I know it hurts him to see me feel this. I am so incredibly blessed to have an incredibly loving and strong husband. A weaker man could not handle this journey with me. Clayton is by my side 100% of the time. I know I must drive him insane at times, I drive myself insane, but he always smiles and gets through the rough patches with me. I never feel alone. This is the most important thing I can stress about this journey, find support. Without Clayton's support I couldn't have survived all that we have been through. I think of myself as strong but this journey has shown me my weakest breaking points.

I have struggled to maintain a strong relationship with God along this journey as well. I truly believe God never gives you more than you can handle, but I have doubted that. I have felt so overwhelmed and beaten that it felt like He must have left me. He hasn't. I know He is working on a bigger plan and I just need to be patient. I think the thing that keeps me closest to God is knowing this is part of His plan. God wouldn't place something like motherhood on my heart if He didn't have plans for me to be a mother. Will I one day give birth to my child? I don't know. Maybe it will be through adoption or foster care. But God has a plan and He's placed this desire on my heart because He knows He's strong enough and big enough to deliver. If the desires of my heart were vain I would know this is not God's work but the desires of my heart are pure, they are His. Reminding myself of this everyday has helped so much. I also have an app called The Five Minute Journal that helps me focus on the positive of every day. When I get to work an alert goes off for me to enter 3 things I am grateful for today, 3 things I will do to make today a good day and 1 daily affirmation. Sometimes those things I am grateful for are incredibly simple and even silly. I'm grateful I have a coffee maker and coffee and that's ok. It's just supposed to be a list to keep you focused on the good. An uplifting list to get your day started. In the evenings I get an alert to complete a list of 3 amazing things that happened today and 1 thing I could have done to make today better. So I start each morning with a list of things that I am grateful for and end each day reflecting on the positive things that happened that day and giving myself room to grow into someone better tomorrow. This has been a huge mood booster for me when I am having a rough day. To even go back and read some of the silly things I put in there. Today it was amazing that my husband picked what we are having for dinner. haha! Focus on the good, no matter how small it seems.

The Financial Cost of Infertility:
You go into the idea of starting a family knowing you will spend money. Having a family isn't cheap under the most ideal circumstances. Once you decide to start a family you research the costs, the expected costs. How much the hospital stay will cost and how many diapers you'll need. You never go into starting a family planning on things not working out. That would be a terrible way to dream. So if things don't go as planned you are usually ill-prepared to handle it. When we went to our first gynecologist appointment we didn't expect to be referred to an infertility specialist. When we saw the infertility specialist we didn't expect to be told we should start infertility testing and treatments. Now that those treatments have failed and we are looking into more expensive and involved treatments we once again aren't prepared for the costs. I won't go into a full breakdown but over the last 4+ years we have spent over $15,000 on trying to become pregnant.  Now starting our IVF journey we know we will spend another $20,000+ to have a child. Best case scenario at this point is just to become pregnant and start our family we will have spent $35,000 not including any of the planned for costs of parenthood. I realize this cost pales in comparison to what some couples spend. Unfortunately our insurance doesn't cover one penny of infertility treatments so 100% of this journey is coming out of our pockets. So far we have found a way to get through. It hasn't been easy, we've borrowed money from my parents, we've lived as cheap as possible, we've given up spending money on ourselves. I haven't bought a nail polish in months (don't go into shock!). But this is the cost of infertility. You give things up you can do without knowing that it will all be worth it one day. One day I will look into the eyes of our beautiful child and it won't matter at all that I missed the Cupcake Polish Christmas Trio or the Lucy and Ethel Duo from Polish Pick Up. At least that's the hope, right now it still hurts. haha! :) So as we begin saving for our IVF treatments we once again are giving things up. Even with giving things up though we know we have a long road ahead of us to save enough to start IVF. And so, we are doing something we never thought we would do. We have gone back and forth on this for months. Weighing the pros and cons and asking advice from everyone we know. We know not everyone agrees with crowdfunding but for us; on this particular journey, its the path we are taking. We have set up a Go Fund Me to help us along this journey. Please don't feel obligated to donate in any way. This is just letting you know it's there should you wish to help us on our IVF journey. We also gladly accept all free donations in the form of prayers, love and hope for our future little ones.

Go Fund Me: The Stephens IVF Journey 

I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you've received it, it will be yours.

Mark 11:24 NLT

~Ashley~

Becoming 1 in 4...Again

After seeing Dr. Kaufman for the second time we decided to try IUI. Once again he was so positive and so relaxed. I was sure this was going to work. He gave me a prescription for Clomid, Gonal-F, a trigger shot and Progesterone suppositories. If you have never taken these drugs in your life and you are considering this journey warn your spouse. These are hormones and you will become; well, hormonal. Mood swings, crying, angry, exhaustion, bloated and headaches. It all happens. You know what really makes you want to baby dance? Being a blubbering bloated psychopath. NOT. I felt so unattractive. Fingers crossed this procedure worked because no way it could happen naturally with a super hormonal Shrek for a wife. We did our first IUI in February 2018. I got the call with our pregnancy test results while I was at work. Not pregnant. How was this even possible? Nothing is wrong with us! It was hard to turn to God, He was testing our faith and I was weak and wavering. We decided to try again right away, we had a vacation to Colorado in March so in April we did our second IUI. I started my period before i could even go in for the pregnancy test. It hadn't worked again. We decided to try one more time and so in May we went back in to dish out every dime we had left in savings. He upped my dosages on my meds, which really added some charm to my already stunning disposition. I told myself since I had always tested early in the past I would wait this time and Clayton and I could find out together. I started cramping the Friday before our pregnancy test. My level of disappointment was unimaginable. It had failed again. I was bawling at working know this was over. Then Monday came and still no period. I was still cramping and could feel it coming though. I went in to take the beta test anyway. That afternoon I got the call but Clayton and I were at work 30 miles apart so I let it go to voicemail. I knew what it would say anyway. A few minutes later the doctor called again. Now I was a little worried. Between 3pm and about 5:30pm the doctor's office called me 4 times and my husband twice. At this point I was a nervous wreck. I went home and set up the camera to record our reaction because what if we really were pregnant? Was it silly to hope? I had never waited so long in my life for my husband to get home. The second he walked in we sat down to listen to our voicemail. With Dr. Kaufman's office you always have the same nurse. So there was our nurse's voice scolding me for not answering the phone because she wanted to hear my reaction. We were pregnant!

We were pregnant. It had happened. Nearly 4 years into our trying to conceive journey we were pregnant. Success! I was scared to death. You would think my reaction would just be over the moon excitement and it was for the most part. But I was also terrified! We had waited so long for this good news what if something went wrong? Around 6 weeks the morning sickness started except mine lasted all day. I was beyond miserable. I could hardly eat I felt so bad. I would go to work, eat a very small breakfast then go throw it up then come back and try to eat a little bit more. I also had excruciating headaches from the Progesterone and was trying to avoid all over the counter meds so I just suffered. Terrible headaches while throwing up is the worst thing you could ever wish on an enemy, in case you have some enemies to curse. As long as I felt this bad though I knew things were progressing so I did my best to stay positive and welcome it. I worked hard to hide how often I was getting sick from my co-workers because no one knew we were pregnant yet but it's hard to hide when you have to run away in the middle of conversations. People found out. We wouldn’t have our first ultrasound until 7 weeks so I had to make it 3 weeks after we found out we were pregnant before we could see the baby. It was so hard to not be impatient. It’s a character flaw I should really work on. The doctor did 3 follow-up blood tests during this wait to make sure we were on track and we were. June 25th was 178 HCG, June 27th was 461 HCG and July 3rd was 3,122 HCG. Finally the day came we would get to see our baby! My husband couldn’t take time off work so my Mama and sister went with me to the appointment. Dr. Kaufman walked in like always with a huge smile and high-fives and hugs. My sister told him she was hoping it was more than one baby and my Mama said if it was she would retire early to be a stay at home Nonni (her grandmama name as assigned by my sister’s beautiful daughter). My sister pulled out her phone to video everything for my husband. Dr. K began the ultrasound by saying “Well, you might want to get used to the idea of two.” It was twins. We were pregnant with twins! There they were. Two perfect little sacks with our babies and their perfect little heartbeats. They were real and there really was two. This explained how intense the all-day morning sickness had been. On the video you can hear my Mama and sister scream. I’m sure the whole office heard. I was in shock. I cried the happiest tears you can cry while still in shock. We left the office and went to pick up my Dad from work. We videoed his reaction to twins too. He was so happy and I think pretty shocked as well. After that I went and got my husband a little key chain USB engraved that says “We love you, Daddy!” and grabbed the ultrasound pictures and drove straight to his office 45 minutes away. I set up the camera to get his reaction and dropped the big news. We were having twins! He was shocked. I think he may have thought I was joking. We are lucky he works with our very best friends so I was able to walk inside and tell them in person too. Christine nearly collapsed and started crying she was so happy! As our best friends they know the full extent of our struggle to get pregnant. It was the happiest day of our lives. The next couple weeks were a blur. My Pinterest account became super active as I started pinning for two instead of one and planning a nursery theme. The morning sickness continued all day and the doctor prescribed meds to help me combat that. No one can be upset about a little morning sickness though when you are growing two humans. My husband was able to go to our second ultrasound around 9 weeks. Unfortunately, this ultrasound brought some sad news. We had lost one of the babies. But our other little one was healthy and strong with a great heartbeat. The emotions were overwhelming. I was happy to still be pregnant but that felt so wrong to be happy when I was devastated we had lost one. It was a weird mix of happy and sad that unless you’ve been in that same situation I don’t think you could understand. I went back to pinning for one and riding the roller coaster of emotions and morning sickness. Around week 10 the morning sickness started to improve. I was so incredibly thankful! The gross part was almost over and then I could just enjoy being pregnant. For our 3rd ultrasound around 11 weeks my Mama and sister went with me again while my Dad waited in the waiting room. Once again my husband couldn’t take off work. Dr. Kaufman wasn’t available that day so we saw one of the other doctors in his office. The second the ultrasound started I knew something was wrong. I knew where to look for the heartbeat before I could even hear it. He paused then said he needed to get someone to help him work the machine because he was new. I knew what was happening but I was just denying it with everything in me. Another nurse came in and checked and confirmed we had lost the second baby as well. I wasn’t pregnant anymore. They moved us into a room to talk to Dr. Kaufman once he was free. My Dad came back to join us while we waited and I called my husband to tell him the news. Trying to figure out how to tell your husband that you've just lost their child after you've seen the heartbeat together and loved them was difficult to say the least. I wasn't sure how he would take it and he was about to have to drive home from work. We weren’t pregnant anymore. We had seen both heartbeats. We had the heartbeats on video. We could hear them. We loved them both so much already. We had twins and now we weren’t pregnant at all. Now what? What do I do? I cried I think but I don't remember too much of that day. I didn't know how to react or what to do. I wanted them to be wrong. I wanted both babies back. We had the option to let things progress naturally but I was worried it would be too hard for me emotionally to handle the miscarriage at home so we opted for a D & C. It was scheduled for the following Tuesday. For the next 3 days I prayed and tried to will these babies back to life. How could they both be gone? Maybe the doctors were wrong? But Tuesday came and the babies were gone. We opted to have genetic testing done to see what went wrong and to find out the genders. It was weeks before those tests came back. Inconclusive. Once again no real answers to the questions we had. We couldn’t even know the genders of the babies we had lost. We couldn’t know why we lost them. It would be months before I could talk about it. My Mama and sister informed friends, family and co-workers for me because I couldn’t bear the thought of calling anyone with that news. I just wanted to be with my husband at home crying. It was undoubtedly the hardest days of my life.

Our little ones would have been due March 5th, 2019. Being twins we probably would have delivered earlier. They might even be here with us now. We won't get to know who they would have grown into but we will always love the babies we have lost and even though they aren't with us and it's been so hard I am so blessed I got to carry our children for their short earthly lives. For their short time on earth God trusted us with them. How could we not feel thankful for that?

Go Fund Me: The Stephens IVF Journey 

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time. 

Psalms 34:18-19 NLT

~Ashley~ 

Just Relax, It Will Happen

Following our trip to see Dr. Kaufman we had a mix of emotions. We aren’t broken. This is GREAT news. But we can’t get pregnant and he has no idea why. This is not so great news. If it were even possible I buckled down on learning more about infertility. I got a thermometer that I would wear through the night that constantly tracked my temps. I bought ovulation tests and took one every single morning and every single night. I stock piled pregnancy tests like a hoarder and when I was 5 days out from my period I’d start testing. This level of true insanity continued for another two years. We were so convinced if nothing was wrong then it was going to happen. When people asked “When are you having kids?” I would become irritated. I would respond sarcastically with “Well, our sex life is great.” When I opened up a little more and people would bring up kids I’d flat out tell them “We’ve been trying for 3 years. I don’t know.” Everyone seems embarrassed when they ask about kids and you respond with something honest like the fact you are having trouble conceiving, but if you aren’t prepared for an answer (good or bad) don’t ask the question. With the news we were struggling to get pregnant out the advice started pouring in. People I had never met were telling me to have a glass of red wine. Only have sex during a full moon. You have to go to Las Vegas. The one you hear the most though is “Just relax and it’ll happen!” In the beginning you can take the advice and just smile and move on. But eventually the advice starts to hurt. We tried the relaxed “it’ll happen” method for a year. I drank wine. We had sex during full moons. We did not go to Vegas. Well we did go to Vegas but not because we thought it would make us pregnant. It was a family vacation. We’d tried it all so now hearing things like “relax it’ll happen” start to make you angry. That obviously isn’t working, people don’t go years of trying then accidentally get pregnant because their mind wandered for a minute. I just had to remind myself that all of this unwanted advice was coming from a place of love. These were friends and family who loved us and wanted us to be pregnant but had no clue how to help. So they offered up as much reassurance and advice as they could. Don’t worry, the bitterness towards advice passes for the most part. Eventually you just smile and thank them for caring. In June 2017 we got our first sign God was working on a plan. I had reached my breaking point. I was crying and begging God to give me some kind of sign. If I wasn’t meant to be a Mama show me something so I can work towards getting past this. A few days later we got our first positive pregnancy test. There He was. He was showing me it was possible! Unfortunately the joy didn’t last long. The pregnancy was over before it ever really began ending around 5 weeks. Now with 2018 just a sneeze away we decided we should go back to the fertility doctor. We were now over 3 years into trying to conceive and had been married 4 years. Consider all of my plans derailed.

Go Fund Me: The Stephens IVF Journey 

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."

John 16:33 NLT

~Ashley~