Our retrieval day came so much faster than I thought it would. I know realistically it's been a long time coming (over 6 years) but now that it's here I'm scared I'm not ready for this step. Like it snuck up on me. Granted, when I was so sick with the birth control and constantly doing injections I never through it would arrive. So I don't trust my belief that this was sprung on me. That's the hormones talking for sure. I've spent the last couple months talking to my body, telling it to do what I know it's capable of doing because this retrieval determines if our IVF journey will continue. My body didn't let me down, this is a first for me, I'm used to my body failing. I think the pep talks worked. We were able to retrieve 46 eggs! 46! 46 potential babies. Are you terrified or is that just me? Am I shaking? Goodness y'all. That is a lot of eggs. Which explains why I have felt like my ovaries are going to explode. On our retrieval day my song of choice was "Come To Me" by The Goo Goo Dolls. It was the first dance Clayton and I shared at our wedding and it holds a special place in my heart full of love because of that. I needed to draw off that love and hope today.
The days following our retrieval were rocky. I was in a lot of pain and stuck to bed as much as my days allowed. 2 days after the retrieval we got the call that out of 46 eggs 30 of them fertilized. Which was more than we could have even hoped for. Those 30 embryos were watched to make sure they developed over the next 5 days. On the 5th day we were given the update that 11 had made it to be PGS tested to determine if they were healthy for transfer and out of the 11 embryos we found out that 9 were marked healthy and 1 was undetermined. We only lost 1 embryo to being genetically unhealthy. We had decided that we would be transferring 2 embryos via a frozen embryo transfer. Now we just had to wait until the transfer day to be considered PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise - very Schrödinger's Cat).
On August 11th at 1:30pm we had our transfer and officially became pregnant with twins. We had no idea what the genders were or if this pregnancy would take but I spent the next 9 days focusing on being positive and believing I was pregnant. I also tried to rest for 3 days but I'm SO bad at bed rest. Like the worst. I hate being told to lay in bed. Don't get me wrong, give me a book and jammies and I can be the laziest person you've ever met by choice. But when a doctor tells me to rest my brain says "prove to them you don't need rest and you're strong". My brain is dumb, y'all. Despite the fact I was probably more active than I should have been 9 days later after a blood test we got the call we were pregnant. Even though that was the hoped for outcome I was still so overwhelmed and surprised. Everyone in our family said "I know" when we called to tell them. haha! Even though my heart knew I was pregnant my brain wouldn't believe it and I needed the phone call to confirm it.
After finding out we were pregnant it was roughly 1200 years before the first sonogram so we could determine if it was multiples or a singleton pregnancy. I was so nervous that something would be wrong, that there wouldn't be a heartbeat and we'd lose the pregnancy like we have every time in the past. But at the first ultrasound we were so blessed to find 1 healthy strong heartbeat. The second embryo did not survive and that was heartbreaking but the first had survived and implanted and was growing as planned. That first ultrasound was at 6 weeks and after that I would have an ultrasound every week. Due to the fact we've had so many miscarriages our doctor said he would do an ultrasound for me every day if I needed it to feel safe in this pregnancy. We have the best doctor!
About a week after our first ultrasound I started to bleed. It was a lot and I was terrified. I just knew the pregnancy was over and once again my body had failed. I emailed my nurse and she got me in for an appointment the next day to see what was happening. I had called my Mama the day I started bleeding crying and telling her the pregnancy was over. I swear it's harder to tell others it's over than it is to hear it yourself and it broke my heart to make that phone call. When I went in for the ultrasound they discovered I just had a large blood clot that was causing the bleeding and the baby was still implanted and healthy. Good strong heartbeat. Getting to call my Mama after that appointment and tell her we were still pregnant was the best phone call!
Following the miscarriage scare the morning sickness kicked in full force and then I didn't have to wonder if I was pregnant. I was so incredibly sick there was no doubting it. My body really hates pregnancy hormones. A lot. So when I went in for my 9 week ultrasound I expected everything to be ok. I had been feeling down and like something might be wrong for about 24 hours but I was working hard to convince myself it was just nerves. Unfortunately, it wasn't just nerves. My body knew. Once again we had lost a pregnancy. For about 24 hours after that I was kind of numb to it. I think my brain was just sealing me off from the pain and coming to terms with it. When you've lost so many babies to miscarriage (we have now lost 5) you sadly become numb to some of the initial and shocking pain. I would never say we expected to lose the pregnancy but your brain automatically looks to history to predict the future and our history with pregnancies wasn't giving us a good track record. The day of our D & C was the day it really hit home for me that once again the pregnancy was over. It's so hard to walk into a hospital knowing you are carrying the heart of your child that is no longer beating but is still so much a part of you. Then a few hours later to walk out knowing you no longer carry that heart.
To date we have lost 3 girls, 1 boy and 1 unknown child. I imagine them as butterflies when I picture them on earth and I imagine them in the arms of my grandparents when I picture them in heaven. They are so loved even though they aren't here. They will be in our hearts forever.
Because we were able to retrieve so many eggs and so many made it to the freeze stage and passed PGS testing we still have 8 healthy embabies waiting for us to do another transfer. I don't know when our next transfer will be. I don't know when I'll be emotionally ready or when my body will be physically ready but when everything falls into place we'll transfer 2 more and try again. Giving up is not an option. Our family is coming.
I can't explain how much hope and love I carry in my heart for our children we haven't met yet. I'm honestly shocked some days I don't have a blinding white light breaking through my chest. My heart knows our children are coming, our family is coming and like a lighthouse it's shining out so much love and hope.
We recently helped my parents pack up the home I spent most of my childhood in (and let's be honest, quite a few adult years) and my Dad kept picking up things he'd find as we went through rooms or the shop and he'd say "Oh! There you are! I've been looking for you!" This was especially amusing since most of the things he found were tools he'd long since replaced a few times over. Dad doesn't tend to be a sentimental man when it comes to pliers. It was funny.
As we've gone through our IVF journey I've continued to remind myself that our children are coming. They may be ours biologically. They may be ours through embryo adoption. They may be ours through living birth adoptions. They may be 17 seconds old or 17 years old when we meet them but our children are coming. One day I will hold my child in my arms, and as I cry and smile like an idiot I know my heart will recognize them immediately and I'll think...
"Oh! There you are! I've been looking for you!"
💖💙
~Ashley~
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