Infertility takes a lot out of you. Costs you may not expect. Since starting our infertility journey I have struggled with depression. I didn't realize how hard this journey would be emotionally. Losing 3 babies has only made this even harder. There are days I don't want to go to work, I don't want to leave bed. There are days I'm in a terrible mood (moods that sometimes last weeks) and I snap at people who love me for no real reason. I don't enjoy wearing make-up anymore and I'm happiest in sweats with my hair in a ponytail. But I have a job which requires some efforts on my part to not look like a slob. This is hard for me though. I know it seems like a simple thing to do, get up, get dressed, go to work, but by the time I get to work (despite my very minimal efforts) I'm wiped out and ready to be home again. Honestly, if current me could go back 4+ years and talk to the hopeful me just starting this journey I'd tell them to start seeing a therapist and take your time with the journey because it will wipe you out. While I have struggled with my emotions it has also strained my relationships with my husband and God. It's not easy for Clayton to see me this way. I feel broken and I know it hurts him to see me feel this. I am so incredibly blessed to have an incredibly loving and strong husband. A weaker man could not handle this journey with me. Clayton is by my side 100% of the time. I know I must drive him insane at times, I drive myself insane, but he always smiles and gets through the rough patches with me. I never feel alone. This is the most important thing I can stress about this journey, find support. Without Clayton's support I couldn't have survived all that we have been through. I think of myself as strong but this journey has shown me my weakest breaking points.
I have struggled to maintain a strong relationship with God along this journey as well. I truly believe God never gives you more than you can handle, but I have doubted that. I have felt so overwhelmed and beaten that it felt like He must have left me. He hasn't. I know He is working on a bigger plan and I just need to be patient. I think the thing that keeps me closest to God is knowing this is part of His plan. God wouldn't place something like motherhood on my heart if He didn't have plans for me to be a mother. Will I one day give birth to my child? I don't know. Maybe it will be through adoption or foster care. But God has a plan and He's placed this desire on my heart because He knows He's strong enough and big enough to deliver. If the desires of my heart were vain I would know this is not God's work but the desires of my heart are pure, they are His. Reminding myself of this everyday has helped so much. I also have an app called The Five Minute Journal that helps me focus on the positive of every day. When I get to work an alert goes off for me to enter 3 things I am grateful for today, 3 things I will do to make today a good day and 1 daily affirmation. Sometimes those things I am grateful for are incredibly simple and even silly. I'm grateful I have a coffee maker and coffee and that's ok. It's just supposed to be a list to keep you focused on the good. An uplifting list to get your day started. In the evenings I get an alert to complete a list of 3 amazing things that happened today and 1 thing I could have done to make today better. So I start each morning with a list of things that I am grateful for and end each day reflecting on the positive things that happened that day and giving myself room to grow into someone better tomorrow. This has been a huge mood booster for me when I am having a rough day. To even go back and read some of the silly things I put in there. Today it was amazing that my husband picked what we are having for dinner. haha! Focus on the good, no matter how small it seems.
The Financial Cost of Infertility:
You go into the idea of starting a family knowing you will spend money. Having a family isn't cheap under the most ideal circumstances. Once you decide to start a family you research the costs, the expected costs. How much the hospital stay will cost and how many diapers you'll need. You never go into starting a family planning on things not working out. That would be a terrible way to dream. So if things don't go as planned you are usually ill-prepared to handle it. When we went to our first gynecologist appointment we didn't expect to be referred to an infertility specialist. When we saw the infertility specialist we didn't expect to be told we should start infertility testing and treatments. Now that those treatments have failed and we are looking into more expensive and involved treatments we once again aren't prepared for the costs. I won't go into a full breakdown but over the last 4+ years we have spent over $15,000 on trying to become pregnant. Now starting our IVF journey we know we will spend another $20,000+ to have a child. Best case scenario at this point is just to become pregnant and start our family we will have spent $35,000 not including any of the planned for costs of parenthood. I realize this cost pales in comparison to what some couples spend. Unfortunately our insurance doesn't cover one penny of infertility treatments so 100% of this journey is coming out of our pockets. So far we have found a way to get through. It hasn't been easy, we've borrowed money from my parents, we've lived as cheap as possible, we've given up spending money on ourselves. I haven't bought a nail polish in months (don't go into shock!). But this is the cost of infertility. You give things up you can do without knowing that it will all be worth it one day. One day I will look into the eyes of our beautiful child and it won't matter at all that I missed the Cupcake Polish Christmas Trio or the Lucy and Ethel Duo from Polish Pick Up. At least that's the hope, right now it still hurts. haha! :) So as we begin saving for our IVF treatments we once again are giving things up. Even with giving things up though we know we have a long road ahead of us to save enough to start IVF. And so, we are doing something we never thought we would do. We have gone back and forth on this for months. Weighing the pros and cons and asking advice from everyone we know. We know not everyone agrees with crowdfunding but for us; on this particular journey, its the path we are taking. We have set up a Go Fund Me to help us along this journey. Please don't feel obligated to donate in any way. This is just letting you know it's there should you wish to help us on our IVF journey. We also gladly accept all free donations in the form of prayers, love and hope for our future little ones.
I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you've received it, it will be yours.
Mark 11:24 NLT
~Ashley~
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