Am I too sensitive?

There are things in this world that will hurt us, we can't be protected from everything. But we can help others by being aware of what we say and post so we don't unintentionally cause pain. With April Fool's Day right around the corner I wanted to take some time to talk about being sensitive and aware of infertility and the struggles that so many couples are facing. April Fool's Day brings out the fake pregnancy announcements and I won't lie, when I was younger I probably thought they were amusing too but now that we have faced infertility and miscarriages I can look at those kinds of posts and comments with a new light. Pregnancy announcements that are real can cause pain to those of us who are struggling to conceive; however, with a real pregnancy announcement there is also so much joy because a wonderful little one is going to enter the world. And for the most part the joy of new life will outweigh the sting the initial pregnancy announcement might have caused. But when you post a pregnancy announcement that is not real, those of us who are struggling get hit with the pain and then no joy whatsoever when we find out it was a joke. It just hurts us more. It feels in a way you are mocking or making fun of our struggle. I realize that most that post those kinds of things do it innocently enough and are thinking of that group they are targeting with the prank and not the many others who could be hurt by such a post. This April Fool's Day I just ask that you remember the many mothers, mothers-to-be, mothers with angel babies in heaven, and the mothers who are yet to be but are fighting to be when you plan or post your pranks.

While on the topic of sensitivity I also wanted to highlight what we see on TV and in movies and how far off those infertility struggles are portrayed and how they can hurt as well. Most movies that even touch on infertility end with a wonderfully happy couple holding their sweet baby. It's rare those movies end with the hard truth that not every woman struggling to conceive becomes a mother, whether by conceiving or adoption or surrogacy. *CAREFUL SWEETIE, SPOILERS* (that's a Doctor Who reference for you noobs that don't watch good television ha!) Movies like Game Night touch on the topic of infertility, with Rachel McAdams and Jason Batemen seeing a fertility doctor in the first few minutes of the movie and ending the movie with a happy pregnancy announcement. Or Did You Hear About The Morgans? which goes a little further in depth with infertility showing adoption as an option but then SURPRISE still ending with Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant also being pregnant. While that is the ultimate dream of any struggling couple, it's just not always real life. Both of these movies pull the "just stop stressing about it and it'll happen" card and in the real world that is just not always the case. Infertility is a disease. It's a real medical condition and just like with all medical conditions sometimes it isn't curable, especially by just waiting it out. Don't get me wrong, those that have the ability to just stop stressing and get pregnant are so blessed! But keep in mind that isn't always the case. Hollywood makes it look so easy, but many couples have tried waiting and hoping, some for 5 years, some for 20 years. If your only knowledge of infertility comes from Hollywood I strongly encourage you to educate yourself on what infertility really entails. So when someone in your life mentions their struggle with infertility you have the information in mind so you don't say something (though unintentional) that will hurt them. While also on the topic of movies and Hollywood I want to highlight another movie, again *SPOILERS* that I found especially insensitive to those of us struggling and those of us who have had miscarriages. Tag (which is a really fun movie for the most part that was inspired by a fun true story!) had a plot line where Leslie Bibb and Jeremy Renner in an effort to win a game of tag announce she is pregnant and then when they are close to losing the game fake a miscarriage. To win a game of tag. This was not part of the true story that this movie is based on. This was something Hollywood added for something, humor? I'm not sure why it's in the movie at all honestly. Truthfully, I found it heartbreaking and disgusting. Here I was watching a light-hearted movie with my husband expecting to laugh and enjoy the evening, bring on the pregnancy announcement in the movie and as with all pregnancy announcements I felt that sting. Fast forward to the miscarriage and my heart is breaking, I am trying not to cry, I have been through that all to recently. It is hard to watch. But then to discover that it was all a ruse to win a game of tag? Really? How insensitive can you be? Hollywood should do better than that. I expect better than that, especially in a world that is so focused on being PC about everything, how can you make such a heartbreaking experience a joke? For the record I am well aware these are movies and they aren't real. I am not delusional (usually) but for many in this world this is all the knowledge they have on infertility and miscarriages. This is what they assume they all look like and how all infertility works and that just isn't the case. I know I've touched on miscarriages being portrayed in movies and on television before and if for the character it is real then it's something I can relate to that makes it more real to me. Downton Abbey is a prime example of this. This show ended in 2015 but ya know, *SPOILERS*. Joanne Froggatt's character Anna has been silently dealing with infertility not even telling her husband John Bates (Brendon Coyle) about her multiple miscarriages. This story line (though difficult to watch) helped me relate to the Anna character because I know the pain she is facing/has faced in the past and it made me more devoted to the character wanting to see how her story would unfold. Every episode I was on pins and needles to see if they could determine what was wrong and how they would address it. As far as being a television show and the fact they didn't go into too much depth they did depict it in a very real way. Showing Anna's fears and her surgery to help her become and maintain a pregnancy. This show of course ends with a wonderfully happy Anna and John and their baby, another happy ending. But the story of how they got there was more real and relatable than most shows portray. I'm not saying all television and movies/Hollywood are doing a poor job of depicting infertility or miscarriages. Some work really hard; I think, to show a more realistic take on what this all is like. I'm not boycotting Hollywood or anything over how they portray this struggle but I am encouraging those who watch these movies or shows to do a little additional research, educate yourselves on what this medical condition is really like. 

Check out a few of our blogs on how infertility has effected us to see what this journey has been like.
Then Comes A Baby In A Baby Carriage... 
Just Relax, It Will Happen
Becoming 1 in 4 Again
Then check out these blogs who also cover infertility to see how everyone's journey is different. 
This first one is a comical journey from TTC to being a mother. It's very relatable and humorous. I love it!
The 2 Week Wait 
This next one is very different, an infertility journey that ended in a decision to live childless. It really opens your eyes to how hard this struggle is and how tough the decisions can be.
Ever Upward 

The final thing I want to touch on in this blog is that we have opened ourselves up to the questions and poking and prodding by putting our story out there. I realize there will be some who ask some really insensitive questions or need more information that might be hard for me to share just yet. But we are willing to talk through anything anyone brings to us. You may not get the full answer you want but we will do our best to give you the most information we can without hurting ourselves more. Poke and prod me. If you ask something or mention something that I am not ready or willing to discuss I will tell you. Don't take it personally, I know you mean no harm, but even though most of our story has been put out there there are pieces that are very hard to discuss so I might tell you "I'm not ready to talk about that just yet" please don't be offended by this! Maybe one day I will be able to discuss the topic I am putting off now. Remember not everyone in this world has opted to open themselves and their story up the way we have. So when someone mentions they are struggling with infertility I strongly encourage you to find someone willing to talk about it before addressing it with your friend or family member. If you have questions on how to talk to someone going through infertility or miscarriages ask us! We will help you navigate these conversations as best as we can. Just keep in mind that just because someone shares they are struggling with infertility it doesn't mean that they are ready to divulge the full story. Putting our story out there has taken nearly 5 years. Be patient with those around you as they go through this journey and let them come to you when they are ready. When someone trusts you enough to even tell you that they are struggling with infertility they are letting you into their support circle, into their tribe. This is huge! Just be there for them as best you can, ask us the hard questions and do your research so you are ready to have an informed discussion when your friend or family member comes to you again and most importantly listen. Listen to what they say, be a strong sounding board as they work through this struggle. They are counting on you.

Go Fund Me: The Stephens IVF Journey 

I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you.

John 15:11-12
~Ashley~

He Said, She Said.

Clayton and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary a couple weeks ago and I thought it might be nice to get our perspective on infertility and how it's effected us differently. So here are 10 infertility related questions. I really didn't need to put the "He Said" or "She Said", mine are the long winded answers and his are the short ones.

1. What do you wish you had known before we started trying to conceive?

He Said: I wish I would’ve known how long it would take.

She Said: That infertility was a real thing. I wish I had done more research at the beginning and known exactly what we were getting into. I don't know if it would have helped but I feel like being more prepared for the struggle we have had might have been easier.

2. How have you handled the emotional stress of infertility?

He Said: I try to stay positive and strong for you and look to the future.

She Said: Not well. Something I wish I had been prepared for. I usually try to distract myself from everything for an escape. For the record, yes. I do realize that's not healthy.

3. What would you say to someone else going through infertility?

He Said: Stay strong, try to be positive, don’t dwell on what hasn’t happened, look forward to what can happen.

She Said: Pray. Give as much of your stress as possible to God. I know it's hard because I've struggled with it too. And find a support system. Surround yourself with a strong tribe that will support you and lift you up because this journey won't be easy.

4. What did you tell your friends and family about your infertility treatments?

He Said: We told them everything.

She Said: We told our family and friends everything but I know that path isn't for everyone.

5. How have you handled the financial stress of infertility?

He Said: Not so good. Never so good. I wish this wasn’t so expensive.

She Said: It’s been hard to balance. It’s hard to justify buying something for yourself (whether it’s a need or a want) when you feel like every dime should be going to saving up for IVF.

6. How do you think our relationship has changed since we started this journey?

He Said: I feel like it’s made us stronger as a couple.

She Said: I think we’ve gotten stronger together for sure. We’ve come to lean on each other emotionally more and be more communicative.

7. What has been the hardest part of this journey for you?

He Said: Not knowing if it’ll ever happen and watching your heart break.

She Said: Our pregnancy losses and feeling responsible for those. Feeling responsible for the fact you aren’t a Daddy yet. It kills me.

8. What has been the happiest part of this journey for you?

He Said: When we found out we were pregnant with the twins.

She Said: Our positive pregnancy tests. No matter how short lived that excitement was (5 days or 10 weeks) seeing those two pink lines or getting the positive phone call from our doctor has been the best feeling!

9. What has been the most upsetting or discouraging thing someone has said to you?

He Said: Nobody has really said anything upsetting to me.

She Said: Probably the most upsetting is anyone asking when we plan to give up or stop trying. Asking what our cut off date is. Like we’ve sat down and said “If we aren’t pregnant in 6 months we give up forever”. I just can’t think about that point, I trust God has a plan and someone asking when we are going to throw in the towel really bothers me.

10. What is the most uplifting or encouraging thing someone has said to you?

He Said: All the prayers & positive thoughts.

She Said: Anyone who has told us they are praying for us makes me tear up every time. That means so much to me!

Go Fund Me: The Stephens IVF Journey 

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NLT

~Ashley~