The End of Our IVF Journey

Our retrieval day came so much faster than I thought it would. I know realistically it's been a long time coming (over 6 years) but now that it's here I'm scared I'm not ready for this step. Like it snuck up on me. Granted, when I was so sick with the birth control and constantly doing injections I never through it would arrive. So I don't trust my belief that this was sprung on me. That's the hormones talking for sure. I've spent the last couple months talking to my body, telling it to do what I know it's capable of doing because this retrieval determines if our IVF journey will continue. My body didn't let me down, this is a first for me, I'm used to my body failing. I think the pep talks worked. We were able to retrieve 46 eggs! 46! 46 potential babies. Are you terrified or is that just me? Am I shaking? Goodness y'all. That is a lot of eggs. Which explains why I have felt like my ovaries are going to explode. On our retrieval day my song of choice was "Come To Me" by The Goo Goo Dolls. It was the first dance Clayton and I shared at our wedding and it holds a special place in my heart full of love because of that. I needed to draw off that love and hope today. 

The days following our retrieval were rocky. I was in a lot of pain and stuck to bed as much as my days allowed. 2 days after the retrieval we got the call that out of 46 eggs 30 of them fertilized. Which was more than we could have even hoped for. Those 30 embryos were watched to make sure they developed over the next 5 days. On the 5th day we were given the update that 11 had made it to be PGS tested to determine if they were healthy for transfer and out of the 11 embryos we found out that 9 were marked healthy and 1 was undetermined. We only lost 1 embryo to being genetically unhealthy. We had decided that we would be transferring 2 embryos via a frozen embryo transfer. Now we just had to wait until the transfer day to be considered PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise - very Schrödinger's Cat). 

On August 11th at 1:30pm we had our transfer and officially became pregnant with twins. We had no idea what the genders were or if this pregnancy would take but I spent the next 9 days focusing on being positive and believing I was pregnant. I also tried to rest for 3 days but I'm SO bad at bed rest. Like the worst. I hate being told to lay in bed. Don't get me wrong, give me a book and jammies and I can be the laziest person you've ever met by choice. But when a doctor tells me to rest my brain says "prove to them you don't need rest and you're strong". My brain is dumb, y'all. Despite the fact I was probably more active than I should have been 9 days later after a blood test we got the call we were pregnant. Even though that was the hoped for outcome I was still so overwhelmed and surprised. Everyone in our family said "I know" when we called to tell them. haha! Even though my heart knew I was pregnant my brain wouldn't believe it and I needed the phone call to confirm it. 

After finding out we were pregnant it was roughly 1200 years before the first sonogram so we could determine if it was multiples or a singleton pregnancy. I was so nervous that something would be wrong, that there wouldn't be a heartbeat and we'd lose the pregnancy like we have every time in the past. But at the first ultrasound we were so blessed to find 1 healthy strong heartbeat. The second embryo did not survive and that was heartbreaking but the first had survived and implanted and was growing as planned. That first ultrasound was at 6 weeks and after that I would have an ultrasound every week. Due to the fact we've had so many miscarriages our doctor said he would do an ultrasound for me every day if I needed it to feel safe in this pregnancy. We have the best doctor!

About a week after our first ultrasound I started to bleed. It was a lot and I was terrified. I just knew the pregnancy was over and once again my body had failed. I emailed my nurse and she got me in for an appointment the next day to see what was happening. I had called my Mama the day I started bleeding crying and telling her the pregnancy was over. I swear it's harder to tell others it's over than it is to hear it yourself and it broke my heart to make that phone call. When I went in for the ultrasound they discovered I just had a large blood clot that was causing the bleeding and the baby was still implanted and healthy. Good strong heartbeat. Getting to call my Mama after that appointment and tell her we were still pregnant was the best phone call!

Following the miscarriage scare the morning sickness kicked in full force and then I didn't have to wonder if I was pregnant. I was so incredibly sick there was no doubting it. My body really hates pregnancy hormones. A lot. So when I went in for my 9 week ultrasound I expected everything to be ok. I had been feeling down and like something might be wrong for about 24 hours but I was working hard to convince myself it was just nerves. Unfortunately, it wasn't just nerves. My body knew. Once again we had lost a pregnancy. For about 24 hours after that I was kind of numb to it. I think my brain was just sealing me off from the pain and coming to terms with it. When you've lost so many babies to miscarriage (we have now lost 5) you sadly become numb to some of the initial and shocking pain. I would never say we expected to lose the pregnancy but your brain automatically looks to history to predict the future and our history with pregnancies wasn't giving us a good track record. The day of our D & C was the day it really hit home for me that once again the pregnancy was over. It's so hard to walk into a hospital knowing you are carrying the heart of your child that is no longer beating but is still so much a part of you. Then a few hours later to walk out knowing you no longer carry that heart. 

To date we have lost 3 girls, 1 boy and 1 unknown child. I imagine them as butterflies when I picture them on earth and I imagine them in the arms of my grandparents when I picture them in heaven. They are so loved even though they aren't here. They will be in our hearts forever.

Because we were able to retrieve so many eggs and so many made it to the freeze stage and passed PGS testing we still have 8 healthy embabies waiting for us to do another transfer. I don't know when our next transfer will be. I don't know when I'll be emotionally ready or when my body will be physically ready but when everything falls into place we'll transfer 2 more and try again. Giving up is not an option. Our family is coming.

I can't explain how much hope and love I carry in my heart for our children we haven't met yet. I'm honestly shocked some days I don't have a blinding white light breaking through my chest. My heart knows our children are coming, our family is coming and like a lighthouse it's shining out so much love and hope.

We recently helped my parents pack up the home I spent most of my childhood in (and let's be honest, quite a few adult years) and my Dad kept picking up things he'd find as we went through rooms or the shop and he'd say "Oh! There you are! I've been looking for you!" This was especially amusing since most of the things he found were tools he'd long since replaced a few times over. Dad doesn't tend to be a sentimental man when it comes to pliers. It was funny.

As we've gone through our IVF journey I've continued to remind myself that our children are coming. They may be ours biologically. They may be ours through embryo adoption. They may be ours through living birth adoptions. They may be 17 seconds old or 17 years old when we meet them but our children are coming. One day I will hold my child in my arms, and as I cry and smile like an idiot I know my heart will recognize them immediately and I'll think...

 

"Oh! There you are! I've been looking for you!"

💖💙

 

Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!

Luke 1:45

~Ashley~

 

The Beginning of Our IVF Journey

It's after 3am. I can't sleep. Less than 48 hours ago we found out our first round of IVF was ending in miscarriage. Clayton is asleep next to me snoring like a freight train. It's oddly calming. He's rolled over to ask if I'm ok a couple times because I keep sniffling and I lie and say my nose is just runny. I've been crying for hours. This is not how I expected to start our first blog post about IVF. I felt the need to put this at the beginning of these posts so no one would have their hopes up for a positive result. This isn't a sad story, it's a story of hope and positivity. It's a story of love. So much unconditional love and hope. It doesn't end like we hoped it would but we trust God has a plan and one day we'll be able to look back on this journey and see how much we grew from it. How much stronger and more compassionate we have become. So please don't cry for us. Pray for us. Pray for our journey. Pray for our future children. Pray for peace.  

I kept a journal/brief notes in my phone throughout the process. Here is how IVF went for me...

June/July:

* So, I hate birth control. I understand for the purposes of IVF I have to take it but I'm constantly nauseated and praying for death or to throw up and get it over with already. Turns out birth control is another l ovely medication my body openly disagrees with. This will be a fun 6 weeks.

* The nausea has ended! I thought it never  would. It only took 2 weeks! It's been so long since I didn't feel like barfing I forgot what it feels like to be normal. So I can eat now and not live in fear? This is exciting!

* Birth control should be banned. This isn't some political rant but if what it's doing to me is does to all other women I don't know how y'all do it. Going on week 4 of a cluster migraine and have debated going to the hospital multiple times. It feels like my head will explode soon. I'm praying it does. 

* Last day of birth control! It's over! Thank God I survived. I'm not sure how honestly but I did. I think the massive amounts of complaining might have helped (so sorry to literally everyone I know) but since today was the last dose i have high hopes! I start stims in 4 days!!! Here's hoping those meds don't make me sick! 

July/August:

* Day 1 of stims! Just did my first shot of Menopur! Wasn't bad. No pain really. It was scary to mix but easy enough. I think humming "If I had $1,000,000" by The Barenaked Ladies might have really helped me find my center. I need to make a playlist so I can listen to a song every time I have to give myself a shot. Like a reward! Evening shot of Follstim was a breeze. I've taken that many times before for our IUIs so I'm well practiced. 

* Day 2 of stims. Today I cried at a child saying thank you. Hormones y'all. Hormones. Song of the day "Never Enough" by Loren Allred.

* Day 3 of stims. Song choice was "Wild Hope" by Mandy Moore. Got a twinge of a headache this morning so we'll see if that turns into anything. Luckily I only have 10 more days of shots. If I have to have a migraine for 10 days I'll live. Anything for our baby!

* Day 4 of stims. Song choice of the day was "Can't Help Falling In Love" by Kina Grannis. I think I want to make a playlist of songs for the delivery room one day. This song will be on that list for sure. No symptoms from the meds yet. Yesterday's headache never turned into anything more. Had my first check up to see if my eggs had started growing yet today. All looked well but no eggs yet. They increased my meds. Next appointment is Wednesday. Crazy how fast the stim cycle is going. Felt like it took forever to get here.

* Day 5 of stims. Song of the day "Be My Yoko Ono" by The Barenaked Ladies. I really like the part where they imitate Yoko's singing. Makes me giggle. I'm feeling really tired but I'm not sure if that's the meds or just life in quarantine? Got a nice bruise going on my arm from all the blood draws and last night's Follistim shot really hurt. I don't know wy but I'm a little sore there today. Maybe I pushed too hard or hit the same spot twice? Other than all the crying those are my only complaints. We've only just begun. Excited to see where these symptoms go from here!

* Day 6 of stims. Song choice "All About The Bass" by Megan Trainor. Somtimes you just gotta dance and give yourself shots. Had my second check up. Eggs are measuring between 6-7mm but Dr. K was hoping for 12-13mm so my egg retrieval might be pushed back a couple days so I can stay on stims longer. No idea why they are so slow to grow this time. My body usually reacts well to fertility meds. This time it's hardly reacting at all. Started a new shot this evening so now I have 3 shots a day. The Ganirelix is the new one and honestly it burns and made my skin super red. I was scared I was allergic but after about 30 minutes the burning and itching calmed down. Still no symptoms from the fertility meds. I'm so relieved. About another week until egg retrieval. 

* Day 7 of stims. Song of the day "Two Of A Kind (Working On A Full House)" by Garth Brooks. First of all, Garth is quite possibly my favorite singer/songwriter of all time. Don't judge me. I love him. Second, the song felt fitting while giving myself injections to grow our family. So Ganirelix burning is just my normal reaction. Burned tonight too and turned red. Went back over my nurses notes and I guess that's kinda normal. Had some twinges of pain in my ovaries today, hoping that's a good sign of growing eggs!

* Day 8 of stims. Song of the day "Hippopotamus vs Rhymenoceros" by Flight of the Conchords. Sometimes you just n eed to sing along to a silly rap. Woke up with a dull ache in both ovaries. Come on eggs!! Grow! Grow! Grow! I'll take all the discomfort if that means we get lots of healthy eggs to turn into healthy embabies and one day into our babies. Shots were just the norm. Shots. It's weird how normal it's becoming to stab myself with a tiny sword multiple times a day.

* Day 9 of stims. It's Saturday and we are into the last few days of stims before egg retrieval! Song of the day "Issues" by Julia Michaels. Have had a dull ache in my lower stomach/ovaries al day long and cannot get comfortable to sleep. So eggs are definitely doing their thing! maybe all the hormones are making me a weenie but the shots all hurt now. I have to really psych myself up to stab myself and I'm not afraid of needles. Never have been. I have tattoos. But day 9 of stim shots has me squirmy and flinching at every injection. Debating on having Clayton give me shots from here on out. 

* Day 10 of stims. Song choice "Lost Without Each Other" by Hanson. No real changes today. Still a steady dull ache. Shots are still painful but I know it's all in my head. Except for the Ganirelix which actually does hurt. Maybe becaue the Ganirelix hurts I'm more flinchy with the other shots?

* Day 11 of stims. Song choice "Don't Give Up On Me" by Andy Grammar. Had another check up today! Eggs look great and my retrieval is happening on Thursday! I have to do my shots tonight and tomorrow morning but then those are done! I'll have more shots to start but the exciting part is the crappy Ganirelix shots are done! I do that shot tonight and then hopefully never again!

* Day 12 of stims and trigger! Song choice "How Far I'll Go" by Auli'i Cravalha. Final round of stim shots and then my trigger shot tonight at 9:15!!! Less than 48 hours until my egg retrieval. Thank goodness because it's starting to hurt to walk. I feel ike my ovaries have been replaced with bowling balls and it hurts to stand up straight. My IVF nurse today kept saying I was "poppin'" and while I'm not 100% sure what that means I feel cooler than before. 

* Day 13! Free day! Just had some blood work today. No shots or anything. The big countdown to tomorrow morning is on! Don't need a song for the day but my good mood has one stuck in my head so today "Friend Like Me" by Will Smith. I freaking love Disney.

This is just the beginning of our IVF journey and these snip-its into my days during this process probably don't provide a lot of information. Honestly, there was so much going on in my head as we started this process and keeping track of the day to day got a little lost. In my next blog I'll cover the egg retrieval and transfer day. That post will be more in depth and I'll have more to share. This is just the tip of the iceberg, folks.

Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!

Luke 1:45

~Ashley~

Past. Present. Future.

Past:
I debated on how much I wanted to share about the last few months but I made a deal with myself and with anyone who reads this that I would be an open book (a statement I will backpedal on in the future).  So, what has happened since my last post and why did I stop writing for a few months? After starting this blog and diving into everything that has happened as I rehashed our infertility journey I realized how hard this would be on me emotionally. When I first started this I thought the whole process would be cathartic and help me heal while also sharing our story and reaching out to those in a similar situation; however, my emotions got the best of me briefly and I found myself really struggling with handling the rush of emotions a second time. It was an eye opening experience that showed me the grief of loss and struggle of infertility aren't things that will ever really go away, I can only hope to learn to handle them better. So, I decided to see a therapist and it was a wonderful experience! One I will be continuing. Our doctors and friends and family have told me to see someone to help me cope and understand what I'm feeling but it wasn't until I realized how much this sadness was impacting my life that I actually made an appointment. I won't go into all the details of the session here but I will say it involved a lot of tears and a release of emotions and fears I had been hiding, partially even from myself.

If you find yourself in a situation where your emotions are getting the best of you and talking to family and friends isn't helping you get to a place where you feel like yourself, please reach out to someone professional for extra support.

It was one of the best choices I've ever made. Other than meeting with my new therapist not too many exciting things have happened lately. Life has gone on (as it does) and Clayton and I have been focusing on preparing ourselves for the gift of children that we know will come.


Present:
Part of preparing for children is preparing your home. Clayton and I are spending time going through everything in the house and gutting it. We are donating clothing and things we don't need. We are throwing things out that were saved "in case we need it someday". Clayton has completely redone his man-cave (he even vacuumed!) and I am slowly but surely working on going through all of my nail polish collection to get it organized and hung on the walls. That is a lengthy process that I've only just begun but I can't wait to see the finished product! We've also been preparing ourselves for children. We are focusing on improving our health by eating better and losing weight. I know that once we are pregnant I will gain weight but I want to be a healthy weight before we get there so we can have a healthy pregnancy and since we are waiting to do IVF, we have some time to focus on our health right now. We've been doing this the last month and it's really become a habit. We are working hard to get down to our goal weights so we can be physically ready. With my ankle finally healing we are starting to work out and for the time being the guest room is being converted to a little in home gym. This gym is only temporary because one day that room will be a nursery. These may seem like funny things to focus on when infertility has been our sole focus for the last 5 years but I truly believe if you ask God for a gift you have to be ready to receive it, and right now I'm not sure we are ready. So we are making the necessary adjustments to get ready. I'm not saying we aren't ready to be parents, I'm saying if you want to receive something like children you need to be ready to accept them at any time in any way in every aspect of your life. While our hearts have been open to children for a long time, maybe our home didn't feel as prepared. It's an easy fix though and so we are making these changes to show ourselves, the universe and God we are ready. 


Future:
Our future is jam-packed with exciting and wonderful things! Thanks to all of the donations we have received and one very large donation by folks who wish to remain anonymous we have hit our IVF goal and dates have been set to get the process started. We can’t thank each and every one of you enough for all of the donations and prayers. Truly, from the bottom of our hearts, thank you. Here is where the backpedaling will start. If you've been paying attention from the first paragraph, I warned you. While our journey from start to finish will be an open book one day and we will share every single up and down along the way, at this point we have decided not to share the actual date we will be doing IVF or even the month we are starting the process. We have a couple reasons for this. 1) We don't want anyone asking us if it worked or not before we are ready to share that news. Dealing with people over the years dropping questions like "when are you having kids?" has been hard on us and I can only imagine someone asking "did IVF work?" before we are ready to share that information, would be very hard. 2) No matter the outcome of this process we will need time ourselves to come to terms with the news and plan/celebrate. If it isn't the news we'd like we will need time to grieve and if it's the news we are dreaming of we will need time to tell family, celebrate and plan. 3) Even if we did share the date we are doing IVF and it worked we wouldn't be sharing the positive news until after the 3 month mark at the earliest. We lost our twins at nearly 11 weeks. Just a few weeks shy of the first trimester being over. While we realize there is no truly safe time to announce we are pregnant until the birth we will share that news with everyone when we are ready and after 13 weeks. So for now, if you are following our journey, know we have reached our goal and made our plans and we can't wait to share this section of our journey with you all eventually, no matter the outcome. But for now please respect our wishes and don't ask when we will be doing IVF or if we are pregnant yet. Just wait patiently and pray for (hopefully) a very exciting and positive announcement in the next ... well. Just pray. You don't need a timeline for that. :)

Also coming up in our future is a vacation. After spending the past 5 years pouring every ounce of ourselves and savings into infertility we decided to be a little selfish (selfish is the wrong word) and plan a vacation together. Think of it as a babymoon before the pregnancy. We know once we start IVF we will be back into this infertility journey full time both physically and emotionally. We wanted to take a week to relax and have some fun before we lose ourselves again so we have planned a cruise with some of our family this October (we have missed every cruise with our family the last 5 years or so). While it hasn't been easy we have cut down our spending even more so we could afford to do this vacation without touching a single penny of our IVF money. I know some will have an opinion about whether or not we should be going on a vacation or spending any additional money that we could put into savings. All I can say is until you are in the situation we are in, every day, every hour, every minute for over 5 years you won't know how we are feeling or how important this break is. All of our IVF funds are sitting in savings collecting dust and interest, patiently waiting for the day we write the biggest check of our lives so far. A check we can't wait to write! This vacation doesn't postpone or alter our IVF plans in any way. The dates for IVF were set over 2 months ago before the idea of a cruise even came to be and those dates aren't changing.

I hope to get back to writing this blog regularly over the next few months. It doesn't mean a post will be up every week or two weeks but posts will go up as we have them. Perhaps my next one will be an introduction to who we are aside from infertility because we are pretty cool people with pretty fun interests outside of reproduction. I hope you will all continue to pray for us, pray for strength and that we are ready and able to receive whatever God has in store for us. We know our family is coming in one way or another and we hold onto that hope daily.

Whatever is good and perfect is a gift coming down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens.
James 1:17 NLT

~Ashley~

Our First IVF Appointment

I went into our IVF appointment with apprehension. I knew it would be expensive. I knew it would be hard. I’m overweight, so would we even be good candidates for this route? I was scared of being told no but equally scared of being told yes. Was I ready to try again? How soon could we try again? 4 IUIs and 2 miscarriages already, the idea of trying again is terrifying. Our doctor had warned me I would deal with PTSD when we got pregnant again but the anxiety and fear started with the first consultation. Dr. K came in with the high fives and upbeat smiles like always. He apologized and told us how sorry he was for our recent loss of the twins. Then without missing a beat jumped right in. Information was flying at me at the speed of light. I was making mental notes of additional questions to the ones we had already written down. 

How many eggs could I possibly have?

• Based on my history, he expects me to easily have 20-30.

How many embryos could that result in?  

• It's all dependent on the health of the eggs and sperm but conservatively we could have up to 10.

What happens with any extra embryos?  

• They will remain frozen until we decide to use them at a later date or we can donate them to a couple that is struggling to conceive and would like to adopt our embryos. I'll add here embryo adoption is one of the coolest things I've ever heard of, check it out!

How many embryos could we transfer?  

• No more than 2.

Frozen or fresh transfer? 

• We'll try for fresh but if there are complications/setbacks then it will be frozen.

How much would this cost?  

• Dependent on the set backs we could face somewhere between $13,000 and $20,000. 

Do you have a payment plan? 

• No, but you can take out a loan or credit card to pay. We don't accept Care Credit. 

What are our odds?  

• 75% to 85% depending on the number of embryos transferred. 

What are the side effects of the meds?  

• This list is far too long for a blog, as always, I encourage you to research.

Can I give myself the injections? Clayton refuses to give me shots.  

• Yes, but you will need to give them to yourself in the lower back/upper love handle and probably in front of a mirror. 

What are the chances of more than twins (because we need to mentally prepare for that if it’s a viable option)?  

• Twins are a very real option, especially with transferring 2 embryos. Embryos can split into two healthy babies (identical twins) so possibly 4 at the most? He hasn't seen an embryo split into 3 except for once.

He was so patient. He answered every question we had. He laughed and kept it lighthearted, never making us feel stressed or concerned. We had a lot to think about, a lot to save for and a lot to plan.

On our own we have a less than 1% chance of conceiving naturally. This is not due to any known complications or issues but based on our history and our unexplained infertility. With IVF he gives us a 75% chance of a healthy delivery with 1 embryo transfer and an 85% chance of a healthy delivery with 2 embryos. We discussed this with him at length and decided on 2 embryos. It doesn’t change the cost of IVF and it increases our chances of a healthy pregnancy. It also increases our chances of multiples, which we would be thrilled with. However, nothing is guaranteed. We still run the risk of coming out of this without a baby at all. The cost of IVF runs between $13,000 and $20,000 depending on how the cycle goes and complications along the way. The list of possible hurdles is a mile long. If you are interested in IVF I encourage you to research the side effects and complications so you can make an informed decision. This is not a decision to be made lightly, you will be pumping your body full of hormones in hopes of over producing what your body normally does. I expect it will be exhausting and emotional. For Clayton and I the benefits far outweigh the risks.

Following the appointment I came home and ordered a planner that would help me keep track of meds and cycles. Aside from being short $20,000 we were ready to jump in with both feet. This was in January of 2019. Since then Clayton and I have worked hard to save. We have started a Go Fund Me and Facebook Fundraiser. Our tax return will go straight to our baby fund. Every extra penny we manage to save goes straight to our baby fund. With the help of donations and savings we are almost half way there. It’s unbelievable to me that we’ve almost reached the halfway point in only 3 1/2 months. Could we take out a loan? Yes. But we’d like to do as much of this as possible without going further into debt. So far every fertility treatment we’ve done has come out of our pockets and we’d like to keep it that way as much as we can. We don’t want to be “paying off our children” on their 18th birthdays. I’d rather spend those years saving for college and their dreams. Taking family vacations and road trips. Making memories. Not worrying about the mountain of debt infertility put us in. It’s heartbreaking to me that infertility isn’t covered by my insurance. Like what we’re struggling with isn’t a real issue. It is. Shame on you Aetna.

If you'd like to help us reach our final destination please visit our Go Fund Me or Facebook Fundraiser. We'd like to do IVF this year if possible but we know that's a big mountain to climb. If you can't donate financially, please keep us in your prayers. Lord knows we'll take as many prayers as you are willing to give.

Go Fund Me: The Stephens IVF Journey 


This is my command - be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:9 NLT

~Ashley~

Am I too sensitive?

There are things in this world that will hurt us, we can't be protected from everything. But we can help others by being aware of what we say and post so we don't unintentionally cause pain. With April Fool's Day right around the corner I wanted to take some time to talk about being sensitive and aware of infertility and the struggles that so many couples are facing. April Fool's Day brings out the fake pregnancy announcements and I won't lie, when I was younger I probably thought they were amusing too but now that we have faced infertility and miscarriages I can look at those kinds of posts and comments with a new light. Pregnancy announcements that are real can cause pain to those of us who are struggling to conceive; however, with a real pregnancy announcement there is also so much joy because a wonderful little one is going to enter the world. And for the most part the joy of new life will outweigh the sting the initial pregnancy announcement might have caused. But when you post a pregnancy announcement that is not real, those of us who are struggling get hit with the pain and then no joy whatsoever when we find out it was a joke. It just hurts us more. It feels in a way you are mocking or making fun of our struggle. I realize that most that post those kinds of things do it innocently enough and are thinking of that group they are targeting with the prank and not the many others who could be hurt by such a post. This April Fool's Day I just ask that you remember the many mothers, mothers-to-be, mothers with angel babies in heaven, and the mothers who are yet to be but are fighting to be when you plan or post your pranks.

While on the topic of sensitivity I also wanted to highlight what we see on TV and in movies and how far off those infertility struggles are portrayed and how they can hurt as well. Most movies that even touch on infertility end with a wonderfully happy couple holding their sweet baby. It's rare those movies end with the hard truth that not every woman struggling to conceive becomes a mother, whether by conceiving or adoption or surrogacy. *CAREFUL SWEETIE, SPOILERS* (that's a Doctor Who reference for you noobs that don't watch good television ha!) Movies like Game Night touch on the topic of infertility, with Rachel McAdams and Jason Batemen seeing a fertility doctor in the first few minutes of the movie and ending the movie with a happy pregnancy announcement. Or Did You Hear About The Morgans? which goes a little further in depth with infertility showing adoption as an option but then SURPRISE still ending with Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant also being pregnant. While that is the ultimate dream of any struggling couple, it's just not always real life. Both of these movies pull the "just stop stressing about it and it'll happen" card and in the real world that is just not always the case. Infertility is a disease. It's a real medical condition and just like with all medical conditions sometimes it isn't curable, especially by just waiting it out. Don't get me wrong, those that have the ability to just stop stressing and get pregnant are so blessed! But keep in mind that isn't always the case. Hollywood makes it look so easy, but many couples have tried waiting and hoping, some for 5 years, some for 20 years. If your only knowledge of infertility comes from Hollywood I strongly encourage you to educate yourself on what infertility really entails. So when someone in your life mentions their struggle with infertility you have the information in mind so you don't say something (though unintentional) that will hurt them. While also on the topic of movies and Hollywood I want to highlight another movie, again *SPOILERS* that I found especially insensitive to those of us struggling and those of us who have had miscarriages. Tag (which is a really fun movie for the most part that was inspired by a fun true story!) had a plot line where Leslie Bibb and Jeremy Renner in an effort to win a game of tag announce she is pregnant and then when they are close to losing the game fake a miscarriage. To win a game of tag. This was not part of the true story that this movie is based on. This was something Hollywood added for something, humor? I'm not sure why it's in the movie at all honestly. Truthfully, I found it heartbreaking and disgusting. Here I was watching a light-hearted movie with my husband expecting to laugh and enjoy the evening, bring on the pregnancy announcement in the movie and as with all pregnancy announcements I felt that sting. Fast forward to the miscarriage and my heart is breaking, I am trying not to cry, I have been through that all to recently. It is hard to watch. But then to discover that it was all a ruse to win a game of tag? Really? How insensitive can you be? Hollywood should do better than that. I expect better than that, especially in a world that is so focused on being PC about everything, how can you make such a heartbreaking experience a joke? For the record I am well aware these are movies and they aren't real. I am not delusional (usually) but for many in this world this is all the knowledge they have on infertility and miscarriages. This is what they assume they all look like and how all infertility works and that just isn't the case. I know I've touched on miscarriages being portrayed in movies and on television before and if for the character it is real then it's something I can relate to that makes it more real to me. Downton Abbey is a prime example of this. This show ended in 2015 but ya know, *SPOILERS*. Joanne Froggatt's character Anna has been silently dealing with infertility not even telling her husband John Bates (Brendon Coyle) about her multiple miscarriages. This story line (though difficult to watch) helped me relate to the Anna character because I know the pain she is facing/has faced in the past and it made me more devoted to the character wanting to see how her story would unfold. Every episode I was on pins and needles to see if they could determine what was wrong and how they would address it. As far as being a television show and the fact they didn't go into too much depth they did depict it in a very real way. Showing Anna's fears and her surgery to help her become and maintain a pregnancy. This show of course ends with a wonderfully happy Anna and John and their baby, another happy ending. But the story of how they got there was more real and relatable than most shows portray. I'm not saying all television and movies/Hollywood are doing a poor job of depicting infertility or miscarriages. Some work really hard; I think, to show a more realistic take on what this all is like. I'm not boycotting Hollywood or anything over how they portray this struggle but I am encouraging those who watch these movies or shows to do a little additional research, educate yourselves on what this medical condition is really like. 

Check out a few of our blogs on how infertility has effected us to see what this journey has been like.
Then Comes A Baby In A Baby Carriage... 
Just Relax, It Will Happen
Becoming 1 in 4 Again
Then check out these blogs who also cover infertility to see how everyone's journey is different. 
This first one is a comical journey from TTC to being a mother. It's very relatable and humorous. I love it!
The 2 Week Wait 
This next one is very different, an infertility journey that ended in a decision to live childless. It really opens your eyes to how hard this struggle is and how tough the decisions can be.
Ever Upward 

The final thing I want to touch on in this blog is that we have opened ourselves up to the questions and poking and prodding by putting our story out there. I realize there will be some who ask some really insensitive questions or need more information that might be hard for me to share just yet. But we are willing to talk through anything anyone brings to us. You may not get the full answer you want but we will do our best to give you the most information we can without hurting ourselves more. Poke and prod me. If you ask something or mention something that I am not ready or willing to discuss I will tell you. Don't take it personally, I know you mean no harm, but even though most of our story has been put out there there are pieces that are very hard to discuss so I might tell you "I'm not ready to talk about that just yet" please don't be offended by this! Maybe one day I will be able to discuss the topic I am putting off now. Remember not everyone in this world has opted to open themselves and their story up the way we have. So when someone mentions they are struggling with infertility I strongly encourage you to find someone willing to talk about it before addressing it with your friend or family member. If you have questions on how to talk to someone going through infertility or miscarriages ask us! We will help you navigate these conversations as best as we can. Just keep in mind that just because someone shares they are struggling with infertility it doesn't mean that they are ready to divulge the full story. Putting our story out there has taken nearly 5 years. Be patient with those around you as they go through this journey and let them come to you when they are ready. When someone trusts you enough to even tell you that they are struggling with infertility they are letting you into their support circle, into their tribe. This is huge! Just be there for them as best you can, ask us the hard questions and do your research so you are ready to have an informed discussion when your friend or family member comes to you again and most importantly listen. Listen to what they say, be a strong sounding board as they work through this struggle. They are counting on you.

Go Fund Me: The Stephens IVF Journey 

I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you.

John 15:11-12
~Ashley~

He Said, She Said.

Clayton and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary a couple weeks ago and I thought it might be nice to get our perspective on infertility and how it's effected us differently. So here are 10 infertility related questions. I really didn't need to put the "He Said" or "She Said", mine are the long winded answers and his are the short ones.

1. What do you wish you had known before we started trying to conceive?

He Said: I wish I would’ve known how long it would take.

She Said: That infertility was a real thing. I wish I had done more research at the beginning and known exactly what we were getting into. I don't know if it would have helped but I feel like being more prepared for the struggle we have had might have been easier.

2. How have you handled the emotional stress of infertility?

He Said: I try to stay positive and strong for you and look to the future.

She Said: Not well. Something I wish I had been prepared for. I usually try to distract myself from everything for an escape. For the record, yes. I do realize that's not healthy.

3. What would you say to someone else going through infertility?

He Said: Stay strong, try to be positive, don’t dwell on what hasn’t happened, look forward to what can happen.

She Said: Pray. Give as much of your stress as possible to God. I know it's hard because I've struggled with it too. And find a support system. Surround yourself with a strong tribe that will support you and lift you up because this journey won't be easy.

4. What did you tell your friends and family about your infertility treatments?

He Said: We told them everything.

She Said: We told our family and friends everything but I know that path isn't for everyone.

5. How have you handled the financial stress of infertility?

He Said: Not so good. Never so good. I wish this wasn’t so expensive.

She Said: It’s been hard to balance. It’s hard to justify buying something for yourself (whether it’s a need or a want) when you feel like every dime should be going to saving up for IVF.

6. How do you think our relationship has changed since we started this journey?

He Said: I feel like it’s made us stronger as a couple.

She Said: I think we’ve gotten stronger together for sure. We’ve come to lean on each other emotionally more and be more communicative.

7. What has been the hardest part of this journey for you?

He Said: Not knowing if it’ll ever happen and watching your heart break.

She Said: Our pregnancy losses and feeling responsible for those. Feeling responsible for the fact you aren’t a Daddy yet. It kills me.

8. What has been the happiest part of this journey for you?

He Said: When we found out we were pregnant with the twins.

She Said: Our positive pregnancy tests. No matter how short lived that excitement was (5 days or 10 weeks) seeing those two pink lines or getting the positive phone call from our doctor has been the best feeling!

9. What has been the most upsetting or discouraging thing someone has said to you?

He Said: Nobody has really said anything upsetting to me.

She Said: Probably the most upsetting is anyone asking when we plan to give up or stop trying. Asking what our cut off date is. Like we’ve sat down and said “If we aren’t pregnant in 6 months we give up forever”. I just can’t think about that point, I trust God has a plan and someone asking when we are going to throw in the towel really bothers me.

10. What is the most uplifting or encouraging thing someone has said to you?

He Said: All the prayers & positive thoughts.

She Said: Anyone who has told us they are praying for us makes me tear up every time. That means so much to me!

Go Fund Me: The Stephens IVF Journey 

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NLT

~Ashley~