Life After Miscarriage

This will sound insane to some but I had very different reactions to our first loss compared to our loss of the twins in August. In June 2017 we had our first loss. We weren’t very far along and we’d been trying about 3 years at the time. From the day we got the positive test until I miscarried was less than a week. It hardly had time to sink in. We hadn’t done blood work yet. I had been at a loss and wanting to give up and I begged God to give me a sign this could happen for us. I was broken. I couldn’t take not knowing if we could or would be parents. When we got that positive test it was God. I have no doubt in my body that was Him showing us it was possible. And when we lost that pregnancy I knew it was ok. It just wasn’t time. But God had shown me what I needed at the time. It could happen. Of course I was devastated; don’t get me wrong, but I also had this overwhelming emotion of peace. One day, in His time, it would happen. After this loss not too much changed. I tried to work on myself more. Put my faith in the Lord and focus on less stress. Tried to start leaving work on time and not bringing work home, this one I’m still working on. A few months later I would break my ankle in 3 places resulting in a month in bed following a surgery with screws, plates and rods so the relaxing part came a little easier. I couldn’t move. Lol 

Our second pregnancy was a very different story. I wasn’t broken and begging for hope or a sign. I was praying every day and doing my best (most days failing) to fully trust Him and this process and know our day was coming. I honestly believed we weren’t pregnant so when the doctor called to tell us we were it was a complete shock. I hard ugly cry in the video. It was really hard to believe it was happening those first few weeks, until the morning sickness hit. Then it was very real. When we lost the first twin it was just a roller coaster of emotions and mess. Very Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde. Ok and calm one minute, crying and angry the next. When we lost the second twin a few weeks later it was really shock for the first 24 hours or so. Then the grief hit and it felt like I wouldn’t get through it. I didn’t feel strong enough. Looking back, I’m not sure how I made it through without crying all day every day at work. Even though our last loss was nearly 7 months ago now I still have days I can’t breathe when I think about the twins. I have weeks I am just stuck in that grief and unhappy with everyone and everything. I call it a funk. I just get into a funk sometimes. Following our D&C a lot changed about me. I started having nightmares nearly every night. They have tapered off some now but they still happen. I don’t like being in the dark anymore. It drives my husband crazy but I have to have a nightlight (a very bright nightlight - that’s the part that drives him insane) until I fall asleep. I don’t like to be awake in the dark, it makes me panic. Anything to do with miscarriages that aren’t real (TV, Movies, Books, etc) I have a really hard time handling. I tend to get angry at the characters like they don’t know what it’s like and it’s all fake. It just upsets me. The movie Tag has a character who fakes a pregnancy and miscarriage. I have never hated a fictional character more. I’m also more afraid of being pregnant again. We are saving up for IVF and more than anything I want this to work but I am terrified. I have real anxiety at the idea of being pregnant again. It’s probably the scariest thing I can imagine right now. I know we will be pregnant again. I know God’s plan is unfolding every day and one day our guest room will be a nursery but I am terrified of that next positive test. I hope every day that the excitement and joy will come back and I know when we are pregnant again we will be over the moon excited but right now thinking of the day is scary. What if we lose another pregnancy? How will I survive it? Am I strong enough? 

If you’d like to help us get to our 3rd pregnancy, we have a Go Fund Me set up here for our first round of IVF. We also gladly accept free donations in the form of prayers. Thank you so much to everyone who has donated already. We’ve also had some people reach out and ask if it’s ok to ask us questions. Yes! Absolutely! We are sharing our story and how our lives have changed through the lens of infertility to reach other couples in similar situations. We don’t claim to be experts by any means and how we’ve handled this journey and our emotions may differ greatly from yours but we always welcome the opportunity to share our faith and how we’ve navigated these very uncertain waters. Waters we have by no means mastered and are still learning from daily. If you just need someone to talk to who has been in a similar situation, please reach out to me. Talking with people who understand will help so much!

Go Fund Me: The Stephens IVF Journey 

Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.
Psalm 55:22 NLT

~Ashley~

 

The Cost Of Infertility

The Emotional Cost of Infertility:
Infertility takes a lot out of you. Costs you may not expect. Since starting our infertility journey I have struggled with depression. I didn't realize how hard this journey would be emotionally. Losing 3 babies has only made this even harder. There are days I don't want to go to work, I don't want to leave bed. There are days I'm in a terrible mood (moods that sometimes last weeks) and I snap at people who love me for no real reason. I don't enjoy wearing make-up anymore and I'm happiest in sweats with my hair in a ponytail. But I have a job which requires some efforts on my part to not look like a slob. This is hard for me though. I know it seems like a simple thing to do, get up, get dressed, go to work, but by the time I get to work (despite my very minimal efforts) I'm wiped out and ready to be home again. Honestly, if current me could go back 4+ years and talk to the hopeful me just starting this journey I'd tell them to start seeing a therapist and take your time with the journey because it will wipe you out. While I have struggled with my emotions it has also strained my relationships with my husband and God. It's not easy for Clayton to see me this way. I feel broken and I know it hurts him to see me feel this. I am so incredibly blessed to have an incredibly loving and strong husband. A weaker man could not handle this journey with me. Clayton is by my side 100% of the time. I know I must drive him insane at times, I drive myself insane, but he always smiles and gets through the rough patches with me. I never feel alone. This is the most important thing I can stress about this journey, find support. Without Clayton's support I couldn't have survived all that we have been through. I think of myself as strong but this journey has shown me my weakest breaking points.

I have struggled to maintain a strong relationship with God along this journey as well. I truly believe God never gives you more than you can handle, but I have doubted that. I have felt so overwhelmed and beaten that it felt like He must have left me. He hasn't. I know He is working on a bigger plan and I just need to be patient. I think the thing that keeps me closest to God is knowing this is part of His plan. God wouldn't place something like motherhood on my heart if He didn't have plans for me to be a mother. Will I one day give birth to my child? I don't know. Maybe it will be through adoption or foster care. But God has a plan and He's placed this desire on my heart because He knows He's strong enough and big enough to deliver. If the desires of my heart were vain I would know this is not God's work but the desires of my heart are pure, they are His. Reminding myself of this everyday has helped so much. I also have an app called The Five Minute Journal that helps me focus on the positive of every day. When I get to work an alert goes off for me to enter 3 things I am grateful for today, 3 things I will do to make today a good day and 1 daily affirmation. Sometimes those things I am grateful for are incredibly simple and even silly. I'm grateful I have a coffee maker and coffee and that's ok. It's just supposed to be a list to keep you focused on the good. An uplifting list to get your day started. In the evenings I get an alert to complete a list of 3 amazing things that happened today and 1 thing I could have done to make today better. So I start each morning with a list of things that I am grateful for and end each day reflecting on the positive things that happened that day and giving myself room to grow into someone better tomorrow. This has been a huge mood booster for me when I am having a rough day. To even go back and read some of the silly things I put in there. Today it was amazing that my husband picked what we are having for dinner. haha! Focus on the good, no matter how small it seems.

The Financial Cost of Infertility:
You go into the idea of starting a family knowing you will spend money. Having a family isn't cheap under the most ideal circumstances. Once you decide to start a family you research the costs, the expected costs. How much the hospital stay will cost and how many diapers you'll need. You never go into starting a family planning on things not working out. That would be a terrible way to dream. So if things don't go as planned you are usually ill-prepared to handle it. When we went to our first gynecologist appointment we didn't expect to be referred to an infertility specialist. When we saw the infertility specialist we didn't expect to be told we should start infertility testing and treatments. Now that those treatments have failed and we are looking into more expensive and involved treatments we once again aren't prepared for the costs. I won't go into a full breakdown but over the last 4+ years we have spent over $15,000 on trying to become pregnant.  Now starting our IVF journey we know we will spend another $20,000+ to have a child. Best case scenario at this point is just to become pregnant and start our family we will have spent $35,000 not including any of the planned for costs of parenthood. I realize this cost pales in comparison to what some couples spend. Unfortunately our insurance doesn't cover one penny of infertility treatments so 100% of this journey is coming out of our pockets. So far we have found a way to get through. It hasn't been easy, we've borrowed money from my parents, we've lived as cheap as possible, we've given up spending money on ourselves. I haven't bought a nail polish in months (don't go into shock!). But this is the cost of infertility. You give things up you can do without knowing that it will all be worth it one day. One day I will look into the eyes of our beautiful child and it won't matter at all that I missed the Cupcake Polish Christmas Trio or the Lucy and Ethel Duo from Polish Pick Up. At least that's the hope, right now it still hurts. haha! :) So as we begin saving for our IVF treatments we once again are giving things up. Even with giving things up though we know we have a long road ahead of us to save enough to start IVF. And so, we are doing something we never thought we would do. We have gone back and forth on this for months. Weighing the pros and cons and asking advice from everyone we know. We know not everyone agrees with crowdfunding but for us; on this particular journey, its the path we are taking. We have set up a Go Fund Me to help us along this journey. Please don't feel obligated to donate in any way. This is just letting you know it's there should you wish to help us on our IVF journey. We also gladly accept all free donations in the form of prayers, love and hope for our future little ones.

Go Fund Me: The Stephens IVF Journey 

I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you've received it, it will be yours.

Mark 11:24 NLT

~Ashley~