After seeing Dr. Kaufman for the second time we decided to try IUI. Once again he was so positive and so relaxed. I was sure this was going to work. He gave me a prescription for Clomid, Gonal-F, a trigger shot and Progesterone suppositories. If you have never taken these drugs in your life and you are considering this journey warn your spouse. These are hormones and you will become; well, hormonal. Mood swings, crying, angry, exhaustion, bloated and headaches. It all happens. You know what really makes you want to baby dance? Being a blubbering bloated psychopath. NOT. I felt so unattractive. Fingers crossed this procedure worked because no way it could happen naturally with a super hormonal Shrek for a wife. We did our first IUI in February 2018. I got the call with our pregnancy test results while I was at work. Not pregnant. How was this even possible? Nothing is wrong with us! It was hard to turn to God, He was testing our faith and I was weak and wavering. We decided to try again right away, we had a vacation to Colorado in March so in April we did our second IUI. I started my period before i could even go in for the pregnancy test. It hadn't worked again. We decided to try one more time and so in May we went back in to dish out every dime we had left in savings. He upped my dosages on my meds, which really added some charm to my already stunning disposition. I told myself since I had always tested early in the past I would wait this time and Clayton and I could find out together. I started cramping the Friday before our pregnancy test. My level of disappointment was unimaginable. It had failed again. I was bawling at working know this was over. Then Monday came and still no period. I was still cramping and could feel it coming though. I went in to take the beta test anyway. That afternoon I got the call but Clayton and I were at work 30 miles apart so I let it go to voicemail. I knew what it would say anyway. A few minutes later the doctor called again. Now I was a little worried. Between 3pm and about 5:30pm the doctor's office called me 4 times and my husband twice. At this point I was a nervous wreck. I went home and set up the camera to record our reaction because what if we really were pregnant? Was it silly to hope? I had never waited so long in my life for my husband to get home. The second he walked in we sat down to listen to our voicemail. With Dr. Kaufman's office you always have the same nurse. So there was our nurse's voice scolding me for not answering the phone because she wanted to hear my reaction. We were pregnant!
We were pregnant. It had happened. Nearly 4 years into our trying to conceive journey we were pregnant. Success! I was scared to death. You would think my reaction would just be over the moon excitement and it was for the most part. But I was also terrified! We had waited so long for this good news what if something went wrong? Around 6 weeks the morning sickness started except mine lasted all day. I was beyond miserable. I could hardly eat I felt so bad. I would go to work, eat a very small breakfast then go throw it up then come back and try to eat a little bit more. I also had excruciating headaches from the Progesterone and was trying to avoid all over the counter meds so I just suffered. Terrible headaches while throwing up is the worst thing you could ever wish on an enemy, in case you have some enemies to curse. As long as I felt this bad though I knew things were progressing so I did my best to stay positive and welcome it. I worked hard to hide how often I was getting sick from my co-workers because no one knew we were pregnant yet but it's hard to hide when you have to run away in the middle of conversations. People found out. We wouldn’t have our first ultrasound until 7 weeks so I had to make it 3 weeks after we found out we were pregnant before we could see the baby. It was so hard to not be impatient. It’s a character flaw I should really work on. The doctor did 3 follow-up blood tests during this wait to make sure we were on track and we were. June 25th was 178 HCG, June 27th was 461 HCG and July 3rd was 3,122 HCG. Finally the day came we would get to see our baby! My husband couldn’t take time off work so my Mama and sister went with me to the appointment. Dr. Kaufman walked in like always with a huge smile and high-fives and hugs. My sister told him she was hoping it was more than one baby and my Mama said if it was she would retire early to be a stay at home Nonni (her grandmama name as assigned by my sister’s beautiful daughter). My sister pulled out her phone to video everything for my husband. Dr. K began the ultrasound by saying “Well, you might want to get used to the idea of two.” It was twins. We were pregnant with twins! There they were. Two perfect little sacks with our babies and their perfect little heartbeats. They were real and there really was two. This explained how intense the all-day morning sickness had been. On the video you can hear my Mama and sister scream. I’m sure the whole office heard. I was in shock. I cried the happiest tears you can cry while still in shock. We left the office and went to pick up my Dad from work. We videoed his reaction to twins too. He was so happy and I think pretty shocked as well. After that I went and got my husband a little key chain USB engraved that says “We love you, Daddy!” and grabbed the ultrasound pictures and drove straight to his office 45 minutes away. I set up the camera to get his reaction and dropped the big news. We were having twins! He was shocked. I think he may have thought I was joking. We are lucky he works with our very best friends so I was able to walk inside and tell them in person too. Christine nearly collapsed and started crying she was so happy! As our best friends they know the full extent of our struggle to get pregnant. It was the happiest day of our lives. The next couple weeks were a blur. My Pinterest account became super active as I started pinning for two instead of one and planning a nursery theme. The morning sickness continued all day and the doctor prescribed meds to help me combat that. No one can be upset about a little morning sickness though when you are growing two humans. My husband was able to go to our second ultrasound around 9 weeks. Unfortunately, this ultrasound brought some sad news. We had lost one of the babies. But our other little one was healthy and strong with a great heartbeat. The emotions were overwhelming. I was happy to still be pregnant but that felt so wrong to be happy when I was devastated we had lost one. It was a weird mix of happy and sad that unless you’ve been in that same situation I don’t think you could understand. I went back to pinning for one and riding the roller coaster of emotions and morning sickness. Around week 10 the morning sickness started to improve. I was so incredibly thankful! The gross part was almost over and then I could just enjoy being pregnant. For our 3rd ultrasound around 11 weeks my Mama and sister went with me again while my Dad waited in the waiting room. Once again my husband couldn’t take off work. Dr. Kaufman wasn’t available that day so we saw one of the other doctors in his office. The second the ultrasound started I knew something was wrong. I knew where to look for the heartbeat before I could even hear it. He paused then said he needed to get someone to help him work the machine because he was new. I knew what was happening but I was just denying it with everything in me. Another nurse came in and checked and confirmed we had lost the second baby as well. I wasn’t pregnant anymore. They moved us into a room to talk to Dr. Kaufman once he was free. My Dad came back to join us while we waited and I called my husband to tell him the news. Trying to figure out how to tell your husband that you've just lost their child after you've seen the heartbeat together and loved them was difficult to say the least. I wasn't sure how he would take it and he was about to have to drive home from work. We weren’t pregnant anymore. We had seen both heartbeats. We had the heartbeats on video. We could hear them. We loved them both so much already. We had twins and now we weren’t pregnant at all. Now what? What do I do? I cried I think but I don't remember too much of that day. I didn't know how to react or what to do. I wanted them to be wrong. I wanted both babies back. We had the option to let things progress naturally but I was worried it would be too hard for me emotionally to handle the miscarriage at home so we opted for a D & C. It was scheduled for the following Tuesday. For the next 3 days I prayed and tried to will these babies back to life. How could they both be gone? Maybe the doctors were wrong? But Tuesday came and the babies were gone. We opted to have genetic testing done to see what went wrong and to find out the genders. It was weeks before those tests came back. Inconclusive. Once again no real answers to the questions we had. We couldn’t even know the genders of the babies we had lost. We couldn’t know why we lost them. It would be months before I could talk about it. My Mama and sister informed friends, family and co-workers for me because I couldn’t bear the thought of calling anyone with that news. I just wanted to be with my husband at home crying. It was undoubtedly the hardest days of my life.
Our little ones would have been due March 5th, 2019. Being twins we probably would have delivered earlier. They might even be here with us now. We won't get to know who they would have grown into but we will always love the babies we have lost and even though they aren't with us and it's been so hard I am so blessed I got to carry our children for their short earthly lives. For their short time on earth God trusted us with them. How could we not feel thankful for that?
We were pregnant. It had happened. Nearly 4 years into our trying to conceive journey we were pregnant. Success! I was scared to death. You would think my reaction would just be over the moon excitement and it was for the most part. But I was also terrified! We had waited so long for this good news what if something went wrong? Around 6 weeks the morning sickness started except mine lasted all day. I was beyond miserable. I could hardly eat I felt so bad. I would go to work, eat a very small breakfast then go throw it up then come back and try to eat a little bit more. I also had excruciating headaches from the Progesterone and was trying to avoid all over the counter meds so I just suffered. Terrible headaches while throwing up is the worst thing you could ever wish on an enemy, in case you have some enemies to curse. As long as I felt this bad though I knew things were progressing so I did my best to stay positive and welcome it. I worked hard to hide how often I was getting sick from my co-workers because no one knew we were pregnant yet but it's hard to hide when you have to run away in the middle of conversations. People found out. We wouldn’t have our first ultrasound until 7 weeks so I had to make it 3 weeks after we found out we were pregnant before we could see the baby. It was so hard to not be impatient. It’s a character flaw I should really work on. The doctor did 3 follow-up blood tests during this wait to make sure we were on track and we were. June 25th was 178 HCG, June 27th was 461 HCG and July 3rd was 3,122 HCG. Finally the day came we would get to see our baby! My husband couldn’t take time off work so my Mama and sister went with me to the appointment. Dr. Kaufman walked in like always with a huge smile and high-fives and hugs. My sister told him she was hoping it was more than one baby and my Mama said if it was she would retire early to be a stay at home Nonni (her grandmama name as assigned by my sister’s beautiful daughter). My sister pulled out her phone to video everything for my husband. Dr. K began the ultrasound by saying “Well, you might want to get used to the idea of two.” It was twins. We were pregnant with twins! There they were. Two perfect little sacks with our babies and their perfect little heartbeats. They were real and there really was two. This explained how intense the all-day morning sickness had been. On the video you can hear my Mama and sister scream. I’m sure the whole office heard. I was in shock. I cried the happiest tears you can cry while still in shock. We left the office and went to pick up my Dad from work. We videoed his reaction to twins too. He was so happy and I think pretty shocked as well. After that I went and got my husband a little key chain USB engraved that says “We love you, Daddy!” and grabbed the ultrasound pictures and drove straight to his office 45 minutes away. I set up the camera to get his reaction and dropped the big news. We were having twins! He was shocked. I think he may have thought I was joking. We are lucky he works with our very best friends so I was able to walk inside and tell them in person too. Christine nearly collapsed and started crying she was so happy! As our best friends they know the full extent of our struggle to get pregnant. It was the happiest day of our lives. The next couple weeks were a blur. My Pinterest account became super active as I started pinning for two instead of one and planning a nursery theme. The morning sickness continued all day and the doctor prescribed meds to help me combat that. No one can be upset about a little morning sickness though when you are growing two humans. My husband was able to go to our second ultrasound around 9 weeks. Unfortunately, this ultrasound brought some sad news. We had lost one of the babies. But our other little one was healthy and strong with a great heartbeat. The emotions were overwhelming. I was happy to still be pregnant but that felt so wrong to be happy when I was devastated we had lost one. It was a weird mix of happy and sad that unless you’ve been in that same situation I don’t think you could understand. I went back to pinning for one and riding the roller coaster of emotions and morning sickness. Around week 10 the morning sickness started to improve. I was so incredibly thankful! The gross part was almost over and then I could just enjoy being pregnant. For our 3rd ultrasound around 11 weeks my Mama and sister went with me again while my Dad waited in the waiting room. Once again my husband couldn’t take off work. Dr. Kaufman wasn’t available that day so we saw one of the other doctors in his office. The second the ultrasound started I knew something was wrong. I knew where to look for the heartbeat before I could even hear it. He paused then said he needed to get someone to help him work the machine because he was new. I knew what was happening but I was just denying it with everything in me. Another nurse came in and checked and confirmed we had lost the second baby as well. I wasn’t pregnant anymore. They moved us into a room to talk to Dr. Kaufman once he was free. My Dad came back to join us while we waited and I called my husband to tell him the news. Trying to figure out how to tell your husband that you've just lost their child after you've seen the heartbeat together and loved them was difficult to say the least. I wasn't sure how he would take it and he was about to have to drive home from work. We weren’t pregnant anymore. We had seen both heartbeats. We had the heartbeats on video. We could hear them. We loved them both so much already. We had twins and now we weren’t pregnant at all. Now what? What do I do? I cried I think but I don't remember too much of that day. I didn't know how to react or what to do. I wanted them to be wrong. I wanted both babies back. We had the option to let things progress naturally but I was worried it would be too hard for me emotionally to handle the miscarriage at home so we opted for a D & C. It was scheduled for the following Tuesday. For the next 3 days I prayed and tried to will these babies back to life. How could they both be gone? Maybe the doctors were wrong? But Tuesday came and the babies were gone. We opted to have genetic testing done to see what went wrong and to find out the genders. It was weeks before those tests came back. Inconclusive. Once again no real answers to the questions we had. We couldn’t even know the genders of the babies we had lost. We couldn’t know why we lost them. It would be months before I could talk about it. My Mama and sister informed friends, family and co-workers for me because I couldn’t bear the thought of calling anyone with that news. I just wanted to be with my husband at home crying. It was undoubtedly the hardest days of my life.
Our little ones would have been due March 5th, 2019. Being twins we probably would have delivered earlier. They might even be here with us now. We won't get to know who they would have grown into but we will always love the babies we have lost and even though they aren't with us and it's been so hard I am so blessed I got to carry our children for their short earthly lives. For their short time on earth God trusted us with them. How could we not feel thankful for that?
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.
Psalms 34:18-19 NLT
~Ashley~
