It's after 3am. I can't sleep. Less than 48 hours ago we found out our first round of IVF was ending in miscarriage. Clayton is asleep next to me snoring like a freight train. It's oddly calming. He's rolled over to ask if I'm ok a couple times because I keep sniffling and I lie and say my nose is just runny. I've been crying for hours. This is not how I expected to start our first blog post about IVF. I felt the need to put this at the beginning of these posts so no one would have their hopes up for a positive result. This isn't a sad story, it's a story of hope and positivity. It's a story of love. So much unconditional love and hope. It doesn't end like we hoped it would but we trust God has a plan and one day we'll be able to look back on this journey and see how much we grew from it. How much stronger and more compassionate we have become. So please don't cry for us. Pray for us. Pray for our journey. Pray for our future children. Pray for peace.
I kept a journal/brief notes in my phone throughout the process. Here is how IVF went for me...
June/July:
* So, I hate birth control. I understand for the purposes of IVF I have to take it but I'm constantly nauseated and praying for death or to throw up and get it over with already. Turns out birth control is another l ovely medication my body openly disagrees with. This will be a fun 6 weeks.
* The nausea has ended! I thought it never would. It only took 2 weeks! It's been so long since I didn't feel like barfing I forgot what it feels like to be normal. So I can eat now and not live in fear? This is exciting!
* Birth control should be banned. This isn't some political rant but if what it's doing to me is does to all other women I don't know how y'all do it. Going on week 4 of a cluster migraine and have debated going to the hospital multiple times. It feels like my head will explode soon. I'm praying it does.
* Last day of birth control! It's over! Thank God I survived. I'm not sure how honestly but I did. I think the massive amounts of complaining might have helped (so sorry to literally everyone I know) but since today was the last dose i have high hopes! I start stims in 4 days!!! Here's hoping those meds don't make me sick!
July/August:
* Day 1 of stims! Just did my first shot of Menopur! Wasn't bad. No pain really. It was scary to mix but easy enough. I think humming "If I had $1,000,000" by The Barenaked Ladies might have really helped me find my center. I need to make a playlist so I can listen to a song every time I have to give myself a shot. Like a reward! Evening shot of Follstim was a breeze. I've taken that many times before for our IUIs so I'm well practiced.
* Day 2 of stims. Today I cried at a child saying thank you. Hormones y'all. Hormones. Song of the day "Never Enough" by Loren Allred.
* Day 3 of stims. Song choice was "Wild Hope" by Mandy Moore. Got a twinge of a headache this morning so we'll see if that turns into anything. Luckily I only have 10 more days of shots. If I have to have a migraine for 10 days I'll live. Anything for our baby!
* Day 4 of stims. Song choice of the day was "Can't Help Falling In Love" by Kina Grannis. I think I want to make a playlist of songs for the delivery room one day. This song will be on that list for sure. No symptoms from the meds yet. Yesterday's headache never turned into anything more. Had my first check up to see if my eggs had started growing yet today. All looked well but no eggs yet. They increased my meds. Next appointment is Wednesday. Crazy how fast the stim cycle is going. Felt like it took forever to get here.
* Day 5 of stims. Song of the day "Be My Yoko Ono" by The Barenaked Ladies. I really like the part where they imitate Yoko's singing. Makes me giggle. I'm feeling really tired but I'm not sure if that's the meds or just life in quarantine? Got a nice bruise going on my arm from all the blood draws and last night's Follistim shot really hurt. I don't know wy but I'm a little sore there today. Maybe I pushed too hard or hit the same spot twice? Other than all the crying those are my only complaints. We've only just begun. Excited to see where these symptoms go from here!
* Day 6 of stims. Song choice "All About The Bass" by Megan Trainor. Somtimes you just gotta dance and give yourself shots. Had my second check up. Eggs are measuring between 6-7mm but Dr. K was hoping for 12-13mm so my egg retrieval might be pushed back a couple days so I can stay on stims longer. No idea why they are so slow to grow this time. My body usually reacts well to fertility meds. This time it's hardly reacting at all. Started a new shot this evening so now I have 3 shots a day. The Ganirelix is the new one and honestly it burns and made my skin super red. I was scared I was allergic but after about 30 minutes the burning and itching calmed down. Still no symptoms from the fertility meds. I'm so relieved. About another week until egg retrieval.
* Day 7 of stims. Song of the day "Two Of A Kind (Working On A Full House)" by Garth Brooks. First of all, Garth is quite possibly my favorite singer/songwriter of all time. Don't judge me. I love him. Second, the song felt fitting while giving myself injections to grow our family. So Ganirelix burning is just my normal reaction. Burned tonight too and turned red. Went back over my nurses notes and I guess that's kinda normal. Had some twinges of pain in my ovaries today, hoping that's a good sign of growing eggs!
* Day 8 of stims. Song of the day "Hippopotamus vs Rhymenoceros" by Flight of the Conchords. Sometimes you just n eed to sing along to a silly rap. Woke up with a dull ache in both ovaries. Come on eggs!! Grow! Grow! Grow! I'll take all the discomfort if that means we get lots of healthy eggs to turn into healthy embabies and one day into our babies. Shots were just the norm. Shots. It's weird how normal it's becoming to stab myself with a tiny sword multiple times a day.
* Day 9 of stims. It's Saturday and we are into the last few days of stims before egg retrieval! Song of the day "Issues" by Julia Michaels. Have had a dull ache in my lower stomach/ovaries al day long and cannot get comfortable to sleep. So eggs are definitely doing their thing! maybe all the hormones are making me a weenie but the shots all hurt now. I have to really psych myself up to stab myself and I'm not afraid of needles. Never have been. I have tattoos. But day 9 of stim shots has me squirmy and flinching at every injection. Debating on having Clayton give me shots from here on out.
* Day 10 of stims. Song choice "Lost Without Each Other" by Hanson. No real changes today. Still a steady dull ache. Shots are still painful but I know it's all in my head. Except for the Ganirelix which actually does hurt. Maybe becaue the Ganirelix hurts I'm more flinchy with the other shots?
* Day 11 of stims. Song choice "Don't Give Up On Me" by Andy Grammar. Had another check up today! Eggs look great and my retrieval is happening on Thursday! I have to do my shots tonight and tomorrow morning but then those are done! I'll have more shots to start but the exciting part is the crappy Ganirelix shots are done! I do that shot tonight and then hopefully never again!
* Day 12 of stims and trigger! Song choice "How Far I'll Go" by Auli'i Cravalha. Final round of stim shots and then my trigger shot tonight at 9:15!!! Less than 48 hours until my egg retrieval. Thank goodness because it's starting to hurt to walk. I feel ike my ovaries have been replaced with bowling balls and it hurts to stand up straight. My IVF nurse today kept saying I was "poppin'" and while I'm not 100% sure what that means I feel cooler than before.
* Day 13! Free day! Just had some blood work today. No shots or anything. The big countdown to tomorrow morning is on! Don't need a song for the day but my good mood has one stuck in my head so today "Friend Like Me" by Will Smith. I freaking love Disney.
This is just the beginning of our IVF journey and these snip-its into my days during this process probably don't provide a lot of information. Honestly, there was so much going on in my head as we started this process and keeping track of the day to day got a little lost. In my next blog I'll cover the egg retrieval and transfer day. That post will be more in depth and I'll have more to share. This is just the tip of the iceberg, folks.
~Ashley~
